There's No Such Thing As Luck
by Parallel-Blue13115
Summary: Allen becomes a rapper? chaos is not so seemingly passive as he appears? Gasp! Jr. can't gamble at his own tables? Craziness awaits on the Durandal and Kukai Foundation. Some Spoilers. Part One Completed
1. NINJA EVIL TOUCH!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Xenosaga or anything but the story. I also don't own the Ninja Evil Touch, which was inspired by my very good friend Charlezcookie3. Go read his stories.

**There's No Such Thing As Luck**

**Chapter 1**

**NINJA EVIL TOUCH!**

"Will you go out with me?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"But w—"

"No."

Suddenly, Allen began to cry. "But **why** not?"

Hammer blinked. "Surely, Allen, I hope you're not really crying because **I **won't go out with you. This is supposed to be for pretend, remember?"

Allen abruptly ceased his crying. "Oh. Oh! Of _course_ it's for practice! You really don't think that **I'm** that way, do you?"

Hammer looked skeptical.

"HEY!" Allen raged as he held his fist up threateningly.

"Allen, no girl would bother going out with a guy like you if you don't take this seriously. You have to act like you MEAN it. Now ask me out again."

Allen sighed. "Chief, would you **please** go out with me?"

"No."

"You're just SAYING that! You just want the Chief all to YOURSELF!"

Hammer shifted, nervously. "Um…no…"

"Well, I'll show **you**! The Chief **will** go out with me! I will use my manly charms and good looks to seduce her!"

"Sure, Allen, just keep telling yourself that."

"Just **watch!**" Allen stomped out of the room.

Meanwhile, elsewhere on the Durandal…

Jr. was walking down the halls of the Residential Area. His destination: the Gambling Room. Coincidentally, Jr. bumped into KOS-MOS, who was also wandering the halls in search of something.

"KOS-MOS!" Jr. waved her over. "Hey, you look bored. Why not come to the Gambling Room with me?"

"Gambling is highly irrelevant to my mission and is extremely inappropriate for an android such as myself. Also, the games are rigged and would be a waste of my time and money."

"Oh pooh," Jr. waved his hand. "This is **my** ship and my games are **certainly **not rigged. At least come and watch me win my victories."

"I was currently in the middle of accomplishing Shion's orders."

"Screw Shion. She's just 'all work and no play'. That's why you're so hard-cored. She never lets you have any fun."

"Jr., I am also telling you this for your own good. According to my calculations, the probability of you winning a single card game is a 00.002 percent chance."

"…KOS-MOS I think you're malfunctioning. I'm the _coolest_ person on the Durandal. I **can't** lose."

"But Jr.—"

"Now, come on! We've already wasted five minutes of gambling time!"

"…"

Meanwhile, Ziggy and MOMO were running errands for the Professor upon the Kukai Foundation. Unfortunately, they had come at a bad time.

"Professor," Ziggy and MOMO walked down to the laboratory, "we've acquired that part you needed…" Ziggy looked up and stopped in his tracks.

"_Assistant Scott!_ This is completely **ridiculous!** What do you **mean** that you're going to take a month off for your wedding?" The Professor was fuming. Ziggy cringed.

"I already _told_ you this, Professor. Oh wait, I forgot…You were drunk!" Assistant Scott and the Professor were _clearly_ in the middle of a fight.

"What's **that** supposed to mean?"

"Professor, whether you like it or not, Gloria and I are to be wed."

"I don't _believe_ you! You should only be married to your work! How _dare_ you disgrace me like this!"

"Well I'm _sorry_ that _you_ never got married!"

"It was **close!** It was a one night stand!"

Ziggy quickly covered MOMO's ears.

"It's for your own protection," Ziggy told her.

"It was very nice too!" The Professor went on, "We were lying in bed and I was stroking her…"

"**Professor!**" Ziggy shouted.

"Hold on!" the Professor waved him away. "I'm not finished!"

"Yes, you are!" Assistant Scott shouted. "If you don't give us your blessing then I'll…I'll…"

"You'll _what?_" the Professor lurched forward.

Assistant Scott paused and then held up his index finger in a dictating manner. "I'm _leaving_ you."

"Fine! I don't need you anyway!"

"Oh no," Ziggy rolled his eyes. "Not again."

"I hate you!" Assistant Scott roared.

"Fine by me!" the Professor retorted.

"I'll just go and get married **without** you!" Assistant Scott raged as he stomped up the stairs.

"Good! I hope it ends in divorce and misery and, perhaps, **murder!**"

Ziggy looked after Assistant Scott as he still stood covering MOMO's ears.

"Is it over?" MOMO asked.

"Yes," Ziggy replied, standing up straight.

"Who does that _monster_ think he is?" The Professor chucked a piece of scrap iron at his monitoring screen and it cracked, sizzled, and exploded. "I hope he dies!"

"Um, right," Ziggy said, stepping forward. "Do I dare ask what the argument was about this time?"

"That overly-fat swine wants to get married! Just **think!** What kind of stupid request is that! **Surely** the answer must be no! Besides, 99.9 percent of all weddings end in divorce! He's setting himself up for a fall!"

"Why do you say that?" MOMO inquired.

"**Because!**" the Professor roared. "He's incapable of marriage! He's a loser and I never want to see him again!"

"Well, that's saying a lot," Ziggy said and then handed the part he was to retrieve to the Professor. "Here…This _is_ what you asked for, right?"

The Professor snatched it out of Ziggy's hands and chucked it at the remains of his monitoring screen. It broke into two and half of the laboratory exploded.

"Guess not." Ziggy looked away.

Allen stood outside Shion's quarters, prepping himself for what he was going to say to her.

"Come on, Allen. You're a cool guy. You can do this!" Allen began to bang on Shion's door.

"Who is it?" he heard Shion call from inside.

"It's Allen," the Vector vice-chief responded.

He heard Shion sigh. "Hold on."

"Hmm…" Allen said to himself, "I have a feeling that she doesn't want to see me."

"_What?_" Shion hissed as she opened the door.

Suddenly, Allen felt like a coward.

"Um…Chief? I was um…I…er…was wondering…"

"**Spit it out!**" Shion roared.

"Will you go out with me?"

Silence.

"Now why would I do a **stupid** thing like that?"

Allen felt his bottom lip tremble as tears welled in his eyes.

"**Fine!**" he cried as tears streamed down his cheeks. "I don't **love** you anymore! In fact, I don't want to be your **subordinate** anymore, **either!**" Allen burst out into tears and dashed back down the hall to his own room.

Shion stood in the doorway, blinking.

"Oh my," she said, bringing a hand up to her mouth "I shouldn't have taken out my anger of Ron dumping Christina from Chick Flick Soap Operas on Allen."

Meanwhile…

"**Outrageous!** What do you mean that I can't **gamble** here!" Jr. yelled at the card dealer.

"Well, Little Master, it's not the fact that you _can't_ gamble here, it's the fact that you aren't _old enough_ to."

"What are you talking about? This is **my** ship and I'm twenty-six years _old,_ thank you very much!" KOS-MOS stood about thirty feet behind Jr., watching as he made a spectacle of himself.

"Little Master you obviously don't _look_ twenty-six. And even if you were, do you have an ID present?"

"Huh?" Jr. stared. "Well…um…no…"

"I rest my case."

"**Inconceivable!**" Jr. leaned over the table and pointed at the card dealer. "Says **who** that I can't gamble here!"

"It's the law, Little Master."

Jr. huffed, "Well then, I'll just have to report this to the Second Miltian Government, now won't I?"

"Be my guest."

Jr. blinked and then squinted harder.

"Hey, didn't I see your name on the Mary and Shelley Fan Club list?"

"Why, yes," replied the card dealer, "I admire Mary and Shelley ever so much…"

"Good…" Jr. grinned evilly. "Cuz' now you're **off** of it!"

"W-What?" the card dealer sobbed.

"That's right," Jr. said smugly. "I hereby declare you **annihilated** from the list."

"Jr., if I may step in," KOS-MOS spoke.

"No, you may not."

She continued anyway, "This man is only obeying his orders. You, on the other hand, are clearly attempting to deny the rights of his enjoyments. Surely…"

"Shut up you stupid android!" Jr. screamed back at KOS-MOS. "Just what would _you_ know about gambling and laws and order and marketing?"

"Well, due to the absence of two of those ideals, I—"

"Just as I thought! You know **nothing!**" Jr. turned back to the bawling card dealer. "You will pay for this. _Dearly_."

Meanwhile, back on the Elsa…

"So," Hammer asked. "How did it go?"

Allen, in fit and rage, pushed Hammer down the stairs next to the cabins.

"Shut up," Allen said sourly, ignoring the crumpled heap that was the Navigator. "I don't want to _talk_ about it right now."

Tony and Captain Matthews rushed out at the sound of breaking bones and crunching stairs and watched as Allen stomped inside of his cabin. Their view then lowered to the crippled Hammer, who was twitching involuntarily.

"Dude…what happened to you?" Tony asked.

"A…Amb…"

"A car? A burglar?" Tony snapped his fingers. "A toaster!"

"Toaster?" Captain Matthews turned to look at him oddly.

"He's obviously playing Charades, Captain."

"Ambul…a…" Hammer fell unconscious.

"Shoot, I was so close too." Tony sighed, "Oh well. What's for dinner Captain?"

"Say, why don't we head to the Iron Man in the Kukai Foundation?"

"Great idea! I'm starved."

Captain Matthews and Tony exited the ship.

Meanwhile…

"Professor, don't you think that you're over-reacting just a _little_ too much?" Ziggy asked as he followed the unresponsive Professor around the laboratory. "After all, it's just a wedding."

"Just a wedding?" The Professor stopped his pacing, "Just a **wedding?** I assure you, sir, this is **not just a wedding! **It's a **scandal!**"

Ziggy shrugged. "Whatever you say, Professor."

MOMO was busy playing around with Assistant Scott's former plasma screen and control panel until she accidentally hit a button that caused multifarious explosions throughout the lab.

"Oops…" She carefully sidestepped away from the fire.

"They want a blessing?" the Professor screeched. "**I'll** give them a blessing. I **curse** them! I hope they die!"

"Well, that's not very nice…" Ziggy started.

"I want him to die by the hands of pins and needles and spontaneous combustion and…"

Ahem, meanwhile…

"Beautiful birdies…" chaos grinned as he stroked the feathers of one of the pigeons in the Durandal's Park. "And now…NINJA EVIL TOUCH!" Suddenly, the bird became plagued with horrible diseases and then died, crippling up like a spider.

"AHAHA!" chaos laughed maniacally. "I strike again! No one will **ever** know my secret of **EVIL!**" chaos began to dance around happily, waving his arms in the air. "I must touch something else!" chaos dashed over to a firebug and grabbed it. The bug shriveled up and died as chaos' Ninja Evil Touch took its toll on the insect.

"Hmmm…I'm not having fun anymore. So…I shall go after _bigger_ creatures!"

chaos went to the City Sectors 26 & 27 and came across a cat--a _very_ familiar cat.

"Aha!" chaos knelt down and caressed the cat with love and care. "Good kitty, nice kitty." Suddenly… "NINJA EVIL TOUCH!"

The cat began to gag and choke and shed its skin until it lay there in a bloody pile on the street. chaos stepped away from the cat with a **big** smirk on his face.

From behind him, a voice rang out, "Francois! Francois darling…" The King stepped out from within his East6 Hideout and looked down into the street.

Simultaneously, a speeding car came down the street and ran over Francois, taking the remains of the body onto its tires.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The King held his hands to his head, "NOOOOOOOOOO!" The King ran down the stairs and after the speeding car. "WAAAAAAAAIT!"

Nearby…

Great Joe stepped out from behind the shadows, observing City Sectors 26 & 27. He took in a deep breath and grinned.

"All right! Another place for me to set up my super duper muchacho self. C'mere ladies!"

At the same time, chaos was walking by and Great Joe had spotted a group of babes. He began to wave with a cheesy grin on his face. Unfortunately for him, the babes had spotted chaos first.

"_Oh my gosh,_ isn't that guy just _sooooo_ fine!" one broad marveled.

"Like, _totally_! He is so mine!" said another.

"No! Mine! You had the last guy!" said a third.

Great Joe stopped waving and anger filled him. He stomped over, grabbed chaos by the shoulder, turned him around, and began to scream at him.

"What do you think that you're doing! You just **totally** cramped my style!"

chaos wiped bits of food and spit from his face. "Excuse me, sir, is there a problem?"

"Problem?" Joe bellowed. "I'm going to _kill _you!"

"Wait," chaos put a hand on Joe's shoulder. "Can't we just be friends?" A green spurt of smoke came from underneath chaos' arm as the skin from Joe's body began to melt at an exceedingly high rate.

"AHHHHHH!" Joe screamed at the NINJA EVIL TOUCH. He melted away until the whites of his bones protruded from his skin (or lack of therefore) and blood seeped from his pores and onto the ground.

Then, Joe finally just crumpled to the ground and died. chaos skipped away merrily.

Meanwhile…

Allen lay on the couch, flipping through the channels on the TV. Sulking in great misery, Allen finally stopped on a Rap Channel.

A man was onstage wearing Rapper's clothes and singing Rap Songs about chickens and cookies. The song abruptly was broken away for a commercial.

"Are you a loser?" the Narrator asked.

"Yes," Allen leaned closer.

"Are you _tired_ of being a loser?"

"Yes!" Allen said with interest.

"Well you'll probably always **be** a loser…"

"HEY!" Allen shouted.

"…But here, I'm about to show you how you _won't_ be so _much_ of a loser with this five minute commercial."

"Go on," Allen said, pressing his face against the TV screen.

"Enter now in our World's Greatest Rapping Contest. Even losers like you…"

"HEY!"

"…can become _somebody_ in this world. So join now! Write your own Rap Song, get your own Rap Clothes AND!"

"Yes?" Allen asked.

"Get your own Rapping Name! Yay! Doesn't that sound like fun?"

Suddenly, the scene changed to a successful Rapper counting money, hanging all over voluptuous women (and you know what I mean when I say 'voluptuous'), and singing.

"Meet Tomato Juice," the Narrator introduced, "who was once a loser like all of you. Tomato Juice is now a big time Rapper with money to spare, girls to call, and songs to sing."

"I Tomato Juice," Tomato Juice spoke with horrible grammar. "I good Rapper." And very conceited.

"So come now and sign up! Don't be sorry. Be happy!"

"Yeah!" Allen jumped up. "I'm gonna be _cool!_"

Allen raced over to some random person's closet and began to pick out a variety of clothing.

"This is good…Oh yeah! This too! Oh! And the suspenders and…"

Twenty minutes later, Allen was wearing a pink French beret, glittery star-shaped glasses, orange shirt and green vest with polka-dotted yellow suspenders, numerous gold chains around his neck (Ones that were so thick that they dragged him to the floor), **extremely** baggy pants, and purple clown shoes with red shoelaces. Oh, and let's not forget the smiley face boxer shorts.

"I'm cool now!" Allen said. He took a step forward and tripped over his pants (Told you they were baggy).

"Excuse me, sir…" came the robot from the other side of the room. "But commercials like that are usually bogus and phony. Are you sure that you should be listening to something so unreliable such as that?"

"You shut up! I will not allow you to crush my dreams of becoming rich and famous and getting married to Shion!" Allen shouted as he reached for a baseball bat and proceeded to beat the living daylights out of the robot.

Several minutes later, Allen grinned as he looked at the remains of his victim and threw the baseball bat over his shoulder, only succeeding in having it pummel the TV screen. The TV sizzled and exploded.

"Now, to make my dramatic appearance!" Allen laughed as he stepped outside the door, picking up the legs of his baggy pants with both hands.

Well? What do you guys think?


	2. Allen's Rap

Disclaimer: I don't own Xenosaga, the Final Fantasy VIII Triple Triad Card Game, the works. Okay here we go.

BTW: This story is dedicated to my super-duper new friend Bren-Chan! Enjoy!

**There's No Such Thing As Luck**

**Chapter 2**

**Allen's Rap**

"Well **this** is much more like it!" Jr. laughed as he set himself down at a card table. KOS-MOS followed behind, silently. "For my first game, I would like to play Xenocards."

"Right," said a new card dealer, warily. He had just observed Jr.'s actions at the other table and cringed at the sight of his colleague shedding tears. "Do you have a pre-made deck?"

"As a matter of fact, I do!" Jr. grinned as he withdrew a deck from inside of his coat. "It's called 'the Bestest Deck in the Entire World because it Features Gaignun Jr. (That's Me) in **all** of the Cards."

The card dealer nearly facefaulted.

"Right…" the card dealer agreed, withdrawing his own deck. "In that case, I will be playing with my Supreme Nemesis Deck."

"I'm not scared of _you!_" Jr. laughed as he knocked all of his opponent's cards off the table. The card dealer blinked and stooped low to pick them up.

"Jr., it seems to me that your cockiness will prove to be your adversary. Are you confirming your decision wisely?" KOS-MOS inquired.

"Aw, be quiet!" Jr. waved her off. "Just **look** at my deck!"

Jr. fanned his cards out for KOS-MOS to see. All of the cards had been modified to Jr.'s liking. Such as, all of the normal pictures (Take Curry for example. It had a picture of Jr. standing over a flaming oven taped onto it) had another picture of Jr. stuck onto them.

"That deck shows your conceitedness," KOS-MOS pointed out.

"I am **not** conceited! I am a _winner!_" Jr. shouted. "Now, I want to enter the tournament!"

"Y-Yes, Little Master…" the card dealer cowered behind the table, holding his own deck of cards in his hands.

"It's good to be King…" Jr. laughed.

Meanwhile…

chaos was busy ruining things.

He crept aboard the bridge of the Durandal and strode forward, whistling innocently. He stopped at Shelley's side and grinned evilly to himself. Leaning over Shelley's shoulder he whispered, "Hi Shelley."

She brushed him away.

"Leave me alone. I have to get this warning sent out to everyone on every ship or else they'll be attacked by the Gnosis."

"There's a wave of them about?" chaos asked.

"Yes," she replied. "It's _very_ urgent that I get this message sent out."

"I see," chaos said as he straightened his back, faked a yawn, and then tilted his body over so that his hand was resting on Shelley's back. "Sorry about that, Shelley."

"Don't touch me, you abominable clown," she said harshly.

Displeased with her response, chaos released the…NINJA EVIL TOUCH!

Shelley's mouth began to melt away as **every** disease known to man plagued her innocent body. Then, her arms fell off as blood poured from her open wounds, soaking her lap and chair. Her eyes fell from her sockets and she keeled over, dead.

chaos pulled out a rag and began to scrub the seat thoroughly. When he had successfully cleaned the blood and guts off of the seat, he sat himself in the chair and observed the control panel.

"Hmmm," he began as he noted the screen. "Everyone's e-mail in the **entire** galaxy is posted on this screen. Let's see…I know! I'm gonna have some fun!" chaos deleted the WARNING e-mail that was supposed to go out to everyone and made up a different e-mail. He typed in:

_Evil Lord's Friendship Chain Letter!_

_THIS IS AN EXTREMELY UNLUCKY CHAIN LETTER! YOU MUST SEND THIS TO 100,000,000,000,000 OF YOUR FRIENDS OR FEEL THE WRATH OF AN ANCIENT NATIVE VOODOO WITCHDOCTOR CURSE!_

Feeling somewhat _pleased_ with himself, chaos hit the 'Send' button. Simultaneously everyone received the 'you got mail' signal and began to check their e-mail. A moment later, everyone was panicking and screaming as chaos arose from the chair, his arms outstretched, and his evil laughter echoed throughout the room.

Elsewhere…

Albedo was also checking his e-mail, (And, evidently, Albedo can't spell and neither can his Internet distributors).

"Ah, I have my very first e-mail!" Albedo marveled as he opened the e-mail and began to read. "Chain letter…friends…" Silence. "Ancient Native Voodoo Witchdoctor Curse!?" Albedo toppled backwards in his chair and fell to the floor with a loud **THUD!** "Okay, Albedo, just stay calm. There's a cure, see? On the screen. It says that I just need to send it to 100,000,000,000,000 of my friends and I won't get the curse."

Albedo looked back at the number on the screen.

"100,000,000,000,000? I barely have three!" Albedo began to count on his fingers. "Me, myself, and I! There! That's three down…Now where am I going to get the other 99,999,999,999,997?" There was another round of silence and then Albedo began to wail again. "I'm going to die!"

Back on the Elsa…

Ziggy and MOMO stumbled back onto the Elsa, exhausted.

"Geez, what a day…" Ziggy mumbled as he glanced at the clock. "9:30. That late already? I didn't think we were at the Professor's _that_ long…"

"I've never known a person who could use as many curse words in just one sentence." MOMO yawned.

"Try more than just one." Ziggy patted MOMO on the head. "Get to bed. I'm going to try to find everyone else."

MOMO nodded as she shuffled back to her own cabin. Ziggy sighed and looked up as another cabin door opened. He nearly facefaulted when he saw who had just stepped out of the doorway.

The Cyborg blinked, the shock overwhelming him. "…Allen, why do you look like an idiot who has no sense of fashion whatsoever?"

Allen pouted and lifted the star-shaped sunglasses from his head. "You're just **jealous**, Cyborg!"

Ziggy just stared at Allen. "Yes. I am immensely jealous of a French pink beret, polka-dotted suspenders, glitter glasses, and overly baggy pants."

"Ha!" Allen laughed. "I knew you were."

Ziggy sighed.

"Do I _dare_ ask why you have all of that garbage on?" Ziggy inquired.

"It's **not** garbage!" Allen yelled. "It's my Shion-ignition clothing."

"Don't you mean 'initiator,' Allen?"

"Whatever!" Allen snorted. "I saw a rap commercial on the TV and it said that I could be cool."

"You? Allen? Cool?"

Allen stood there with his hands on his hips. "And just what is **wrong** with _that?_"

"Nothing," Ziggy said hastily. "Nothing at all."

"Good," Allen said with a big smirk on his face. "Well, I'm off to get my band."

"I didn't think you really meant to be a rapper, Allen."

"I just **said** that a rap commercial said I could be cool! Didn't you listen to a word I just said!?" Allen shook his head. "You are _soooo_ not cool, Ziggy. I'm going off to find my band and then write my own lyrics."

Ziggy slowly shook his head as Allen stomped out of the Elsa.

Meanwhile, Shion got bored and decided to take a walk out to City Sectors 26 & 27. She stopped dead in her tracks as she heard the most _Bloodcurdling…Ear-shattering…HORRIBLE singing…_in the entire world.

She looked inside and watched as a man inside the Iron Man was…singing…with ugly clothes on…

_"Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on my hat she killed it like a pancake, and it never came back. But yo mamma has a nice rack. She's adequately stacked, so I pitied her and didn't hit her with my baseball bat…um…um…"_ the man fought for the last words and then bellowed, _"LUGZ™!"_

Amazingly…everyone clapped. Shion shook her head. Why? Just why?

"Thank you, thank you," the man bowed low and his beret fell off. Shion recognized the man immediately.

"Allen!" she shouted.

Allen looked up and waved as he put his beret back on. "Oh, hey, Chief!"

Shion stomped over to Allen. "Just **what** do you think that you're doing?"

He darted his eyes from side to side. "Um…singing?"

"Singing!? Is **that **what it's called!?"

Allen turned away, nonchalantly. "Look Chief, as you can _see,_ I'm a popular rap singer now. I don't have time to deal with _you._ I mean, you _had_ your chance with me and all, but now…I mean…you're just not cool anymore."

A crowd of girls began to flock to Allen.

"Oh Allen!" cried one girl as she clung to his arm.

"You're so sexy!" another said, grasping his other arm.

"I know, I know," Allen agreed with a big smirk on his face. "And now girls, let us depart! The Dry Cleaners await us!" Allen and the girls walked out, leaving Shion dumbfounded.

"This isn't happening," She told herself. "Allen? _Cool?_ With…_girls?_" Shion just couldn't understand it.

"Man that guy is just so cool!" Shion turned and spotted Tony and Captain Matthews.

"I agree Captain Matthews," Tony grinned. "Gee…I wish I could rap like that."

"They actually **liked** that?" Shion asked.

Meanwhile…

Because chaos tampered with the warning e-mail, no warnings were sent to anyone and so the Gnosis proceeded on…

Back to the Durandal…

"Ha! Another win!" Jr. laughed as another opponent sobbed miserably at their loss. "Next victim!" Jr. grinned.

"So, you're the Little Master who has won thirty-four games straight in a row?" A big burly man approached the table.

"Yeah," Jr. said coolly. "What's it to ya?"

"I'm here to challenge you." The burly man grinned.

"Bring it on…_fat boy._" Jr. gave the 'come on' sign.

"You're going to regret those words…_pansy._"

"**Pansy!?**" Jr. jumped up from his seat, slamming his hands down upon the table. "Did you just call me **'pansy!?'**"

"Yeah, I did," the burly man replied with a tremendous grin on his face.

"Good," Jr. sat back down. "Just thought that I didn't hear you correctly."

On the other side of the room, KOS-MOS was trying her luck at slots.

"Hmmm…If I wait approximately 0.603 seconds, then my chances of winning seventy million gold will be pushed up to 99.999 percent." KOS-MOS pulled on the lever and watched as the wheels spun. Waiting only a few seconds longer, KOS-MOS pulled the lever and the matches came up.

"Congratulations!" the machine cheered. "You've just won seventy million gold!"

From around the room, everyone fought to get to KOS-MOS' machine.

"Interesting," KOS-MOS observed. "Apparently these life forms wish to do me harm. Therefore, I shall use the end results of…extermination."

It was quite lovely indeed. KOS-MOS used her X-BUSTER and slaughtered almost everyone in the Gambling Room. No description needed. And I'm too lazy to put one in anyway.

"Enemies, exterminated." KOS-MOS went back to playing.

Meanwhile, chaos had become bored of sending random e-mails to people and went off in search of fun. He landed in the Gear Hanger of the Durandal and observed the gears.

"Hmmm, interesting." chaos grinned as he walked up to Jr.'s gear and patted it gently. "Good gear…nice gear…"

Suddenly, the gear began to melt and toppled over onto another gear, setting that gear on fire. Soon, the entire Gear Hanger had been consumed into flames, with everyone panicking and screaming.

"Oops," chaos said. "I destroyed them all." Then he shrugged. "Oh well. I'm going to find something else to have fun with."

As chaos was exiting the train back to the Dock, a strange man holding a piece of paper walked up to chaos.

"Excuse me sir, do you know where the bakery is?"

"AH!" chaos jumped back. "You wish to do me **harm!** NINJA EVIL TOUCH!" chaos kicked the man in the knee and it began to melt away from the rest of his body in a massive pile of goop. Screaming in agonized pain, the man started to mutate into a horrible blob of nastiness. He finally collapsed to the ground and died.

chaos wiped his hands on his pants and walked away. "Geez, with all the weirdoes running around, law enforcement should encourage their police officers to work double shift."

The man was still twitching involuntarily.

"You!" chaos turned at the sound of a voice. "You think that you are strong?" A half Gnosis/half Realian (Or human…I dunno) looking thing floated over to chaos.

"Who are you?" chaos asked.

"My name is Mintia and I am the strongest…"

"Wait you have something on your face…" chaos reached up to Mintia's face. "I'll get it."

"Wait, what are you doing?" Mintia asked.

As chaos touched her face, smoke began to pour from the underside of chaos' hand and Mintia's face melted away. Horrible diseases plagued her and she shriveled away and died.

"Oh, you moved…" chaos sighed and walked back inside of the Elsa.

Meanwhile…

"I **know** I have more than **three** friends!" Albedo cried as he stomped around the room. Then he paused, a _wonderful_ idea hitting him. "Wait! I'll take an online survey!" Albedo raced back to his evil computer, logged in, and went into a chat room. From there he typed in as **EyeAmEnsane:**

"_All right, stupid mortals! I am taking a survey as to see who my friends are and who my friends aren't! __**So!**__ Whoever is my friend, speak now so that I may send you a chain letter and won't contaminate the Ancient Native Voodoo Witchdoctor Curse!"_

Silence and then…

_**Grope4YourGuts**__ has left the room._

_**WorldDomINator**__ has left the room._

_**Cactus Huggers**__ has left the room._

_**Captain Condom**__ has left the room._

"This can't be!" Albedo's bottom lip began to tremble.

_**Kinky Bubbles**__ has left the room._

_**Cloudathan**__ has left the room._

_**Narcotic Stripper**__ has left the room._

_**Panty Sniffer **__has left the room._

"**Why!?**" Albedo began to cry into his hands. "It's not fair! Now I'm going to get the Ancient Native Voodoo Witchdoctor Curse!"

_**All Members In This Chat Room Have Left. Goodbye.**_

Albedo was then booted off the net and then his computer contracted a **DEADLY, FATAL VIRUS,** and then the computer exploded and no longer worked.

"What the bloody hell was that!? This is **sooo** biased for people whose names start with an 'a' and ends with an 'o…' Namely **me!**"

While we leave Albedo to sulk in his perpetual misery…

"Can you _believe_ it, Ziggy? **Allen! **A **Rapper!**" Shion pounded her fist against the table. "That is so _unheard_ of!"

"I'll bet," Ziggy absentmindedly agreed, not caring either way.

"And KOS-MOS never ran that errand for me because I can't seem to **find** her!" Shion growled.

"I'm sure she's fine," Ziggy said, staring off into space.

"And then chaos…"

"What about me?" chaos entered the Elsa's lunch room and sat at the booth Ziggy and Shion had occupied.

Shion turned towards chaos. "Have you heard about the multiple killings as of today?"

"No." chaos began to file his fingernails.

"Are you sure? They say that whenever a silver-haired male was around, disaster always followed."

"Oh, that's nice," chaos responded, not really interested.

Shion frowned.

"**Fine! **You are _both_ ignoring me! I'm just going to talk to someone who cares!" Shion turned to storm off.

"Well, there's a vacant wall in the basement," chaos pointed out.

In rage, Shion broke a nearby stool and exited the room. Simultaneously, Hammer (In the near-death state that he was in) entered. His arm was in a sling and his left leg was limping.

"Hello guys," Hammer greeted.

"What happened to you?" Ziggy asked.

"Allen pushed me down the stairs," the navigator admitted as he sat next to chaos.

"Don't worry buddy. We feel for you." chaos patted Hammer on the shoulder and Hammer screamed as his shoulder began to melt.

"AHHHHHHH!" Hammer grabbed Shion's water that had been on the table and threw it on his melting shoulder. He sighed happily as it steamed and started to cool down.

Ziggy blinked.

Then he got up and moved over to the next table.

"I'm fine over here," he said as chaos gave him a puzzled look.

Meanwhile…

"I can't believe I'm losing!" Jr. screamed as he looked at his cards. I can't believe I'm losing to a…" Jr. squinted at his opponent's card. "…a Cerberus Card." Jr. squinted. "Are you _sure_ that these _'special'_ cards you have are legal in the tournament?"

"Of course!" The burly man grinned and laid down a Laguna card on the battlefield. "Now this is an instant death to all cards on the battlefield, standby, and hand cards. Oh, and you lose 55 HP."

"**What!?**" Jr. freaked."But…_But…!_ That's more than what I _have!_ …That's even more than what I **started** with!"

The burly man snickered. "I know."

Jr. began to cry as the burly man stuffed his cards back into his 'Triple Triad' card box. It felt **great** to cheat.

Jr. sulked away and then suddenly turned around. "I won't accept defeat." He dashed back to the burly man and slammed his hands onto the table. "Another match! I'll bet I can beat you this time!"

"Okay bud. What's the bet?" The burly man grabbed his cards back from out of the box.

"I'll bet my _exclusive_ guns here!" Jr. dumped his guns onto the table.

KOS-MOS passed by as she was ready to leave (With her 45 billion gold) and watched as Jr. was ready and willing to give away his guns.

"Jr., are you sure…"

"Yes I'm sure!" Jr. snapped without even turning to face her. "Now, go away!"

KOS-MOS shrugged and exited the Gambling Room.

"All right…" Jr. grinned. "Let's play!"

PB13115


	3. Hostages And Allen's NEW 'Friend Rap'

Disclaimer: Don't own Xenosaga, the quote from Nutty Professor or Final Fantasy 8's Card game. Can't get any simpler than that.

A/N: When I last posted Chapter 2, I was warmly greeted with a flame from an OBVIOUS jealous reader. Not trying to brag or anything… evil smirk But because this poor soul had no idea how to use a spacebar and couldn't spell at all (Even the profanity was horribly misspelled), I had to spare this mistreated individual from humility and removed the flame. Aren't I generous? Anyway, I dedicate this chapter to my wonderful flamer, seeing as how much he/she/it liked the story. (He/she/it took the time to flame it after all.) And if my dear flamer is reading this, I want he/she/it to know: Yes, yes I am very happy with my story thank you.

And, may you go with God's protection. Oh yeah, thanks for the flame.

(lol Okay, and I don't own Wolfwood from Trigun and his famous lines either. But I loved it when he said this to Chapel. AND THEN IN THE NEXT SCENE HE… :spoiler:)

Anyway, on with the story!

**There's No Such Thing As Luck**

**Chapter 3**

**Hostages and Allen's NEW "Friend" Rap**

"Well, Sonny, I must thank you for your parting with these guns here…" The burly man snatched the guns up from the table and kissed them before stuffing them under the table.

"No!" Jr. grabbed his head and slammed his face against the table surface. "How could I **lose!?** This is **MY** gambling table!"

"It was a pleasure doing business with you…" The burly man began to gather up his Triple Triad cards. "Call me again if you ever want to lose…"

"Wait!" Jr. jerked his head up and began to strip from his black trench coat. "I'll bet this!" He tossed the coat onto the table.

The man shrugged. "Suit yourself. It's your funeral." He pulled out his cards again and restacked his cards.

"I won't lose _this_ time!" Jr. vowed as he began to shuffle his deck together.

The next morning…

Tony and Captain Matthews were busy "attempting" to make breakfast for everyone. Ziggy walked in, carrying a newspaper as he seated himself at a table.

"Good morning Ziggy!" Tony greeted, waving the spatula around.

"Tony! The eggs! The eggs!" Captain Matthews dashed over to Tony and grabbed the spatula from Tony's hand. Captain Matthews turned and flipped the eggs. He growled. "That's it! No more talking for you! You obviously **don't** know how to make breakfast!"

"Why I outta…!" Tony grabbed the sizzling pan and hit Captain Matthews on the side of the head with it.

"AHHHH!" Captain Matthews wailed as he clutched his burned face. He began to hop up and down and then turned to grab his own sizzling pan full of bacon. He flung the pan at Tony, who skillfully dodged, and the pan went sailing until it collided with a robot, who was busy cooking hash browns. The robot cracked in half and just…kinda stopped working.

The two bickering men paused, blinked, and then…

"NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" they screamed in unison.

Ziggy buried his head further into the paper and muttered, "Does that mean that there's no breakfast today?"

Tony jumped and body slammed Captain Matthews to the ground. Captain Matthews began to pull on Tony's earrings as Tony snatched the hat from off Captain Matthews' head and began to beat him in the face with it.

Hammer staggered in on his crutches.

"Hi everybody, what's for breakfast?" Hammer was greeted with hash browns and a flying pan to the face as Tony reached for Hammer's crutches and began to pound Captain Matthews with them. Captain Matthews struggled to stand up, but was pushed out the door, taking Hammer with him.

"Ha! I am the champion!" Tony bellowed, leaning backwards and gave a good, hearty, laugh.

"What is all the screaming that I hear?" chaos emerged into the room with MOMO not far behind.

"Eh? chaos?" Tony scratched the back of his head. "It was all the Captain's fault."

Meanwhile…

Albedo was still trying to find a way to send the chain letter to um…a lot of people.

"Okay! **This** will work!" Albedo laughed as he carried a new computer into his ghastly lair. "I didn't **need** that old computer! **This** one as least comes with a huge plasma screen and a remote control."

Albedo dumped the computer box onto the floor (which was followed by breaking glass and other sorts of not very nice sounds, which obviously weren't good for the computer.) and set himself onto the floor, opening the box. He found the instructions on the top and unfolded them.

"Step 1: Open the box. Check! Step 2: Assemble glass pieces to make…" Albedo sulked. "…the plasma screen…" Albedo looked down into the box. "I have to _assemble_ the plasma screen? How can _anyone_ assemble glass? Grrr…**Curses!**" To make his anger sound more realistic, Albedo hit the lightning sound effect button on a nearby control panel and lightning fed through the sky.

Meanwhile…

MOMO skipped down the hall, humming to herself.

"I lost **again!?**" MOMO stopped at the sound of a loud, yet familiar voice. She walked into a room where she had thought the scream had come from.

Jr. was at a gambling table, pounding his head against the surface of the table.

"It's not fair!" he shouted. MOMO gasped when she noticed that he was standing in just his boxers. How obscene.

"Hey kid, thanks for the clothes," A burly man dropped Jr.'s clothes to the floor. "But you don't have anything left to gamble with. Besides, you've been playing all night. Don't you think that it's time for you to stop?"

"**Never!**" Jr. snarled, jerking his head up from the table. "I **will** find something else to bet against!"

"Jr.," came MOMO's quiet voice from behind. "What are you doing?"

Jr.'s face melded into a hideous evil snicker as he turned around and spotted the good luck charm around MOMO's wrist that he had given her.

"Come here, MOMO," he crooned. She obediently stepped up to him. Then, with a swift jerk, he snatched the bracelet and ripped it from her wrist. "I will bet you this bracelet that I can win the next match!"

"Jr.!" MOMO cried.

"Hey, I ain't betting for pretty stuff, kid." the burly man told him.

"No way. This is a **silver** bullet. Made completely from…um…**silver.**" Jr. laid the bracelet on the table with a snaky grin.

"But Jr.!" MOMO protested. "You **gave** that to me!"

"Quiet! I'll get you another one!" Jr. shooed her away. "My reputation is on the line."

MOMO ran off, crying.

"That was pretty dirty, man…" the burly man watched MOMO flee from the room.

"Shut up!" Jr. said. "Are you here to play, or are you here to play?"

"I guess I'm here to play."

"**Good!** Now shuffle the cards."

Meanwhile…

"Good morning my fellow fans!" Allen stepped into the kitchen, where chaos was busy making breakfast. chaos had thought it better if **he** was the one cooking instead of Tony and the Captain.

Ziggy looked up from his newspaper and then glanced back down at it. Tony sat across from him, and the Captain and Hammer were at the table behind them.

"Morning," they all muttered incoherently.

Allen strolled in, wearing his usual rapping outfit. "Well, I applied for that TV Commercial for rappers everywhere. And guess **what?**"

"What?" everyone mumbled, uninterested in whatever Allen had to say.

"I actually got my **first** performance scheduled! And then they want me to come by the studio with all the songs I've been working on and make them into a CD, and…"

"That's nice, Allen," Captain Matthews muttered.

Allen blinked. "Well come on guys, don't you know what that means?"

"No…" they all said, unenthusiastically.

"I'm having my **first** concert!"

"Where?" Hammer asked.

"At the Dock Colony! They're setting me up outside and they've already sold all the tickets!"

"Really?" Tony mumbled. "Oh well, guess that that means that we can't go. Oh, how sad I am."

The Rapper shook a finger at him. "Now you didn't think I'd forget about you all **that** easily, right?" Allen flashed multiple tickets in the faces of his _friends._

"You got tickets…for us?" Ziggy asked.

"Of **course!** I want **everybody** to be there!"

"Um, gee, Allen. I think that I have something planned for…um, what day did you say that it was?" Tony paused.

"Tonight!" Allen grinned.

"Oh darn, I just remembered that I'm going to get my monthly manicure," Tony said, acting disappointed. "Sorry Allen."

"Yeah!" Hammer spoke up. "Which reminds me that I'm um…getting my…um…ears waxed…and…"

"EWWWW!" everyone shouted scooted away from him.

"Oh…" Allen looked hurt. "I see. Well if no one can make it, then who's going to eat all that great food I had prepared?"

"What food?" Captain Matthews suddenly became interested.

"Well…I paid this one gourmet chef to cook all this exquisite fish and lobster and steak and–"

"Okay, we're going!" Captain Matthews interrupted.

"**HEY**!" Tony and Hammer both gawked at each other in disbelief.

"Really?" Allen's face lit up. "That's great! Thanks a lot guys."

"Sure…No…problem…" Hammer mumbled. Everyone groaned.

Meanwhile…

"Geez, kid. You don't have anything left to gamble with." The burly man shook his head, "You've been playing at this table since yesterday. Don't you think that it's time for you to quit?"

"Jr.?" Jr. didn't even have to turn around. "I find it quite odd that a one such as yourself would still be wasting your time in a room like this."

"And just what are **you** doing here, KOS-MOS?" Jr. turned his head around, slowly.

"I never said that Realians and androids could not participate in human sports. On the contrary, I seem to be faring much better than you anyhow." Jr. stared at all the gold in her hands.

"Ha! I have **triple** that amount in my savings account!"

This caught the burly man's attention. "Oh? _Really?_"

"I have overheard what you have done to MOMO, Jr.," KOS-MOS added. "To tell you the truth, I find that quite inappropriate. Surely it would be in your best interest to cease gambling and go apologize."

"Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?" Jr. grinned as he shuffled his cards. "All right, new match!"

"Hmm…about those saving accounts of yours…" the burly man eyes narrowed, a vibrant gleam evident in them, plus a twinkle of destruction.

"Certainly!" Jr. said. "I have credit cards as well." He threw those on the table. "And the documents to my savings accounts will be mailed to you HAVE I the misfortune of losing."

KOS-MOS shook her head. "Allen also wished for me to inform you that he will be organizing a concert and wants for you to attend."

"Sure, sure," Jr. said, brushing her off. "When I win my first game I will."

KOS-MOS began to walk away. "Oh, and Jr.?"

"What?"

"It is my suggestion that you clothe yourself. Standing in just your boxers gives the implication that you are nothing more than a low-life transient."

"Peachy. Just the look I was going for." Jr. replied, not paying attention.

Meanwhile…

"MOMO," Ziggy knocked on the door to her room before stepping inside. "Come on, we have to go see the Professor."

He found her in the corner of the room, weeping. "No thanks," she mumbled, her face in her hands. "I'm not feeling well."

"What's the matter…?" Ziggy asked, suddenly concerned.

"Jr. gambled away the good luck charm he gave me…"

"What?" Ziggy asked, surprised. "But that doesn't sound like Jr. at all…"

"It's true," MOMO said, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "He did…"

For some unexplainable reason, Ziggy felt a bit of hatred for the boy. He quickly brushed it away, and contemplated how he could console MOMO.

"Come on then. It will do you good to get out of this stuffy room. Besides, having you there might make the Professor change his mind about Assistant Scott's wedding."

"What do you mean?" she sniffed, looking up at him with swollen eyes.

"Well, you care about people. You feel for them and understand them. I think you could help me convince the Professor to change his mind."

She smiled.

"All right!" she nodded, her demeanor changing completely. "Let's go."

Meanwhile…

"…Step 5,352…" Albedo read as he clutched a small piece of the plasma screen. "Glue square-circle-round-flat-hexagon-looking-thingy next to the last piece you assembled by the right end of the bottom edge…What the fudge?" Albedo threw the piece down and observed the horribly shaped plasma screen that he had just constructed. Glue poured out from all edges and he scowled.

"This doesn't look **anything** like the super ultra cool plasma screen the TV commercial advertised!" Albedo pouted. "Let's try putting together the control panel instead." Albedo turned the box upside-down and **thousands** of computer pieces fell to the ground.

Albedo blinked and picked up the directions. "Step 1: Assemble computer screen." Throwing the directions up into the air he shouted, "**CURSES!**"

Meanwhile…

"Professor?" Ziggy poked his head into the room, MOMO right behind him. "Professor? Are you in here?" Ziggy heard mumbling and cursing, and then he spotted the Professor working on some contraption. "Uh, Professor?" Ziggy spoke again.

"What?" The Professor snapped. "I'm busy trying to ruin Assistant Scott's life!"

"What? How?" Ziggy asked.

"I'm going to poison all of the guests, set fire to the chapel, and then run off with his so-called **wife!**"

"That's not very nice," MOMO said. "You should be happy for him!"

"Not to mention that killing all of the guests at the wedding won't solve your problems either," Ziggy added.

"Silence!" The Professor turned around…holding a semi-automatic. "Just what would **you** two know?"

"Um…how **not** to kill people." Ziggy stood in front of MOMO, using himself as a shield. "You really don't want to kill us, Professor."

"No, I **don't,**" the Professor laughed as he cocked the semi-automatic. "But you two will make **great** hostages against that fool, **Assistant Scott!**"

Ziggy leaned down and whispered to MOMO, "How about it? Want to be a hostage?"

"Sure," she shrugged.

"Okay." He stood back up to face the Professor, "We'll be your hostages."

"Ah!" The Professor grinned, lowering the gun, "**That's** because you don't want to die."

"You really couldn't kill me anyway with just that gun, but sure," Ziggy told him.

The Professor became displeased after hearing this. His lips turned downward into a frown and he aimed the gun at them again, "Stand aside, Cyborg!"

"What for?"

"I might not be able to kill **you**, but I can still **eliminate** the Realian!"

"Okay, now **that's** not cool," Ziggy refused to budge.

"What? Being **uncooperative** with your Master? Now **that's** a sin. Prepare to be vanquished!"

"I thought that you weren't going to kill us."

"Oh, yes. That's right," the Professor said, as though reminded of his earlier statement. "So, instead! I'm going to stick you both in my evil dungeon of **doom!** MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"I really hope that you've already eaten," Ziggy said to MOMO. "Prison food tastes like garbage."

Meanwhile…

"Dock Colony, next stop," Captain Matthews told his passengers while Tony pulled the Elsa into a parking spot.

"At last!" Allen grinned. "I will finally be recognized as a **man.**"

"I wonder what happened to Ziggy and MOMO…" Shion pondered, rubbing her chin.

"Not to mention, Little Master isn't here either," Captain Matthews added.

"That's all right," chaos smiled. "We're all going to have a wonderful time! Isn't that right, KOS-MOS?"

"I do not care much for human activities such as singing and dancing. Except, perhaps, gambling. So I have no opinion of this."

"Oh pooh!" Allen flicked his wrist in a sissy manner. "Don't be such a grump, KOS-MOS. When you see the songs I have planned for you, you'll **all** bow down to my rapping skills."

Silence.

"Anyway," Tony broke the silence. "We've come to a complete stop. Let's get going."

"Great!" Allen broke into a run out of the room, the door closing behind him. "ME FIRST! ME FIRST!"

Everyone paused.

"Of course we could just start up the Elsa right now and leave," Tony suggested.

"I'm all for it," Hammer agreed, holding up a crutch.

"Now, people," chaos settled them down. "That's not very nice. We'll all hurt Allen's feelings." Everyone looked at him as though wanting to say _"So?"_ chaos paused, and then said after a moment, "Let's just go and see the concert."

At the Dock Colony…

"Tickets? Tickets? Can I see your tickets?" the guard asked, motioning chaos, Shion, KOS-MOS, Tony, Hammer, and Captain Matthews to step forward.

"Tickets?" chaos fished them out of his shirt. "Here you go."

"Thank you, sir." The guard took them and then screamed as his hand sizzled and smoke began to form. Goop that had once been skin before fell to the ground, steaming, and chaos stepped backwards.

"Dear me, I'm so sorry. Here, let me help." chaos reached up to touch the guard's shoulders and his arms turned into massive puddles of goop and fell from his body. Then moss and other sorts of mold began to grow all over his body until he turned into a big green plant looking thing and began running away, bewildered, until he entered a circle of homeless bums and fell into their bonfire. The fire erupted into huge flames and the bums stared at it, intoxicated by its coolness.

"Wow…" they all stared at it in awe. Then they began to sing and hop around. "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!"

"Let's just go away…" Shion sidestepped away.

"Oh, I feel so horrible…" chaos said sadly. His crestfallen demeanor quickly subsided when something more fun caught his attention. "Hey! Are those chips and dip that I see?" He skipped off to get some of the goodness.

"Um…we'll save you a seat…" Tony called after him.

At the snack stand…

"Good evening, Gentlemen," chaos chirped as he got a plate and held it up to the men who were handing out food. "May I have some please?"

"Only after you wait in line like everyone else!" The first man pointed to a **huge** line that zigzagged way beyond God knows where.

"Oh, such a pity…" chaos said, despondently, and then looked up, "Well, I have this coupon here…" chaos forcefully pushed a piece of paper into the man's hand and the other man watched, curiously.

"W-What are you doing?" The coupon turned into a huge man-eating Venus flytrap and ate the man's hand. "AHHHH!" The Venus flytrap then melted into a toxic acid and holes began to form in the man's skin as the acid ate away at his body. Suddenly, the skeletal part of the man's body began to show through and he teetered over and landed in the other man's arms.

"What the?" the second man quivered as the acid attached itself to his own skin and began to eat away at it. Then the acid turned into a **huge** goopy monster which rose above the snack stand and consumed the other man and the skeleton of the first man, digesting them within its bowels. Satisfied, the monster dissolved into a liquid and began to search for new prey.

"AHHH!" the crowd panicked and backed away from the snack stand, running in different directions as the acid monster continued to follow after them.

"Pity, I didn't think that the food was **that** bad…" chaos shook his head and began to grab one of everything.

Meanwhile, Allen had started the concert.

"This is dedicated to all those who made me feel special and always said, 'Go Allen. **You** can do it.' They were always there for me." Allen smiled, "SO! We're going to start off with a great rap about my friends!"

"Gee, I'm so honored," Tony snickered from within the crowd. He turned to Hammer. "I want to leave now."

"I don't." Captain Matthews grinned, "I can't wait to see him make an ass out of himself."

"Yeah with his stupid rap about his friends." Hammer laughed, "As if he **has** any! I can picture his rap now. 'My friends are so nice and special and pretty…'"

"Here we go!" Allen motioned for his band to start.

The song started off nice and pretty and Hammer laughed.

"Told you," he said to Tony.

Then the song turned hardcore and heavy metal like.

_"I hate my friends_

_They're really lame_

_I got my Poke'mon blue to keep me_

_Company anyway_

_I hope they die in a fire_

_And they're all really pukey_

_Cuz' they suck_

_Especially that Miyuki_

_Captain Matthews is a pig_

_And Tony is a slob_

_Hammer's hair is oily_

_Which is often stuck in globs_

_Ziggy is a Cyborg who can't eat_

_MOMO is a Realian with small feet_

_Shion is a 'gardening ho'_

_I mean HOE_

_And Jr. is a priss_

_And they're gonna burn in_

_HELLO hot chick_

_I'm so cool…"_

"HEY!" Hammer shouted. "That's not cool! My hair is **not** oily and stuck in globs!"

"**Pig!?**" Captain Matthews roared. "You just made **me** look like an **ass!**"

"**Slob!?**" Tony clenched his fists. "**You're** the one who's always talking with your mouth full!"

"**Ho!? **Did you just call me a **HO,** Allen Ridgeley!?" Shion rolled up her sleeves and she readied herself to storm up on the stage.

"That's right!" Allen shouted back at her with a nasty finger pointed in her direction. "A **HO!** Of **course** you'd date Kevin, but when **I **asked, it was all '_Nooo_ Allen, I **don't** date guys that aren't of my species!'"

From within the corner, one of the band members held up a sign that said 'Boo.' Suddenly, the entire crowd booed.

"**And!** You and everyone else are always putting me down! It just hurts!" It looked like Allen was on the verge of tears.

The band member switched the sign to 'Awwww.' The entire crowd said, 'Awwww' with sympathy.

"**But** now that I am rich and famous, you **all** want to be my friends!"

An important figure walked up onto the stage and handed Allen a medal.

"Here you are, Allen. For being the best person in the world, you can have this real gold and shiny medal!"

"Ah, thank you, sir!" Allen held the medal up for everyone to see and the crowd cheered.

"All in favor for jumping that backstabbing, over-egotistical jerk, say **I!**" Tony bellowed into the air.

"I!" came the responses of all of Allen's **friends.**

"Good…" Tony grinned malevolently. "It's payback time."

---

HA! Finally updated. Lol, sorry MOMO/Jr. fans. Things will get better between them, although I'm not too much of a M/J fan myself. Besides, Ziggy and MOMO are hostages of the EVIL Professor. And all will work out at the end. I promise. R&R too, please. I'm really happy with all the reviews so far so keep it up! I will get the next chapter out soon as well. It won't be another two months like this time. BTW please don't take any of this stuff seriously. I really am only trying to make a funny fic.

ParallelBlue13115


	4. Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec

Disclaimer: Yeah, nothing's changed since last time. I still don't own Xenosaga. I wish I did. Cuz then I would've added more to Ziggy and MOMO. And Febronia and Virgil…cuz' they're awesome. And then there'd be a hidden scene where Cherenkov was surfing the waves on the Beach of Nothingness. :-D

**There's No Such Thing As Luck**

**Chapter 4**

**Fithos…Lusec…Wecos…Vinosec…**

"You know what, dude?" the burly man let out a loud yawn. "I'm personally sick and tired of beating you. And I never thought I'd say that."

"NO!" Jr. pounded his fist against the table. "I may have lost everything, but there's just **one** thing that I have left."

"Oh _really?_" the burly man sneered. "Tell me what it is so that I have the pleasure of taking it away from you, too."

"You see this ship we're flying on?" Jr. grinned. (Uh-oh…)

"Yeah. What about it?"

"It belongs to **me.**" Jr. didn't expect the next event.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Good one kid! **You!?** A little **kid!?** Own the **Durandal!?**" The burly man was laughing so hard that he fell out of his chair. Jr. frowned.

"Well then, I guess you don't want it." Jr. began to gather up his cards.

"Huh?" The burly man looked up from his spot on the floor. "You're serious?"

"Of **course** I'm serious, you moron." Jr. threw his cards at the burly man. "How dare you call Gaignun Jr. a **liar!** I should have you executed by evil giraffes with your arms severed by cannibals all over the universe from––"

"All right, enough of that. Just pick up those cards of yours that you threw all over me and we'll play."

"I bet my ship and the ownership of it against your cards."

"We'll see about that." The burly man grinned and picked himself up from up off the floor.

"I sneer at your cards." Jr. reclaimed his cards and shuffled them, "Now let's play."

Meanwhile…

"**Move it,** ya darned weaklings!" The Professor held a .22 Magnum to the backs of Ziggy and MOMO, prodding them every so often. He received strange looks from everyone as they moved around the ship, the Professor looking for the dock. He had decided that the evil dungeon of doom was too **good** for the likes of Ziggy and MOMO.

"Pay no attention to us, civilians of the Durandal," Ziggy told everyone as he kept his hands in 'surrender mode' above his head. "We're only hostages against our will to play an evil part in the Professor's scheming game."

"Shut up!" the Professor whacked Ziggy with the butt of the gun and then pushed him. "You and your loud mouth, Cyborg! I should kill you now!"

"No!" MOMO cried stopping in her tracks to stare at her friend. "You can't! Ziggy!"

The three were interrupted as a new person descended the stairs. It was none other than Gaignun Kukai of the Kukai foundation.

"Ah! Professor!" Gaignun greeted. "Lovely day, isn't it?"

"He spoke to us…" the Professor muttered, debating heavily on what to do with the founder. "Now I have **no choice **but to take him hostage as well!" The Professor turned and aimed the Magnum at Gaignun. Gaignun's hands immediately went up.

"Woah! What the heck?" Gaignun stared at Ziggy and MOMO. "What's going on?" Gaignun asked.

"Don't ask," Ziggy responded. "Just do what he says and go along quietly."

Gaignun's gaze went back to the Professor, who motioned him over to the other two hostages. Gaignun sighed and unwillingly obliged. "But I have a meeting to get to…" he whined.

Meanwhile…

Albedo sat in the middle of the room, **still** trying to put together the computer and the super-duper-ultra-cool plasma screen. Suddenly, he got a visitor.

"Albedo…just what do you think that you are doing?" A cloaked man materialized into the room.

The menacing U.R.T.V. glanced up for a moment before dropping his eyes. "Oh, hi Virgil," Albedo mumbled, melancholy. Suddenly, Albedo looked back up at Virgil, teary-eyed. "Virgil…would you miss me if I ever disappeared?"

Virgil paused, caught off guard with this question. "Well…I suppose I would miss your ugly white outfit and the way that your lips always seemed to move after you were finished talking like a horribly dubbed translation of––"

"Good. Because I'm soon going to be vaporized."

"What?"

"I was sent an evil chain letter of doom that stated that unless I send the chain letter out to a bazillion of my friends, I would die from a horrible ancient native voodoo witchdoctor curse."

Virgil nearly laughed. "Albedo, don't tell me you **believe** in that stuff!" From the look on Albedo's face, Virgil knew that he did. "All right I guess you do. Listen, Albedo, buddy…" Virgil stepped closer. "That kind of stuff…it's not real."

Albedo sniffled, "It isn't?"

"No, of course not. They just send that stuff and scare people so that people, like you, will be sappy enough to do it!"

"Boy…" Albedo blinked. "Don't I feel like a moron…And all this time it wasn't even true."

"Now **that's** the spirit." Virgil patted Albedo on the back.

Suddenly an evil voice resounded through the room.

_"Dark forces I summon you to me…banish these weaklings from my presence…"_

The two men gasped. "That sounded like…" Albedo started, "…it came from Grand Theft Auto Vice City…"

"Don't be a moron!" Virgil grabbed Albedo's shoulders. "Someone's trying to put a hex on us! That chain letter thing was **real!**"

"But I thought you said—" Albedo was cut off.

"Forget what I said! The chain letter is true!" Virgil cautiously looked around the room. "We **have** to get a computer so that we can send out all of those chain letters…it's our only chance of survival…"

Albedo's bottom lip trembled.

Meanwhile…

From within the distance, Gnosis began to swarm over the Kukai foundation. Their numbers growing by the millions; they started on a huge rampage. And this was all chaos' fault.

Meanwhile…

The next day, everyone was in the Elsa's kitchen, unhappily eating away on soggy cereal and outdated milk.

"Good **morning** everyone!" Allen greeted as he entered the room, arms wide open. Tony, Hammer, and Captain Matthews shot daggers in Allen's direction and then turned back to their 'breakfast.' KOS-MOS was helping clean up, so she didn't say anything, and Shion was still angry and eating her food at an unhealthy pace. And chaos? Well…heh, heh…

During a secret meeting of the Mary and Shelley club…

"Tragic news my fellow members of the club!" the President cried. "Shelley is pushing up daisies…" The President buried his face in his hands and wept.

"I didn't know that Shelley liked daisies…" a moronic member commented before another member slapped him upside the head.

"Fool! That's a **euphemism** for the idea that she **died!**" the irate member shouted at the moronic member.

"Whatever shall we do?" the President looked up at the **huge** mural of Shelley and Mary that was painted on the wall.

"We could always make a **clone** of Shelley!" came a stupid and unrealistic suggestion.

"No, too messy," argued another voice from the back of the room. Everyone turned and saw chaos. He strolled toward the large meeting table. "Now if you **really** want to fix the problem, you'd have to meet Shelley in person to gain access to her DNA."

"But how can we do that?" a man protested. "She's dead!"

"I can help…" chaos sneered, walking up to the front of the room and touching the beautiful mural. Then suddenly…

NINJA EVIL TOUCH!

The mural ignited into flames and was quickly devoured by the **evil** fire of doom!

"**NO!**" cried the fanatics of the club. "OUR MURAL!"

"Oh shoot," chaos shook his head. "I did it again. Here I can fix this…" chaos grabbed the President's hand and yanked him towards the mural where the flames of doom leapt from their positions on the wall and consumed the President.

Elated at this new turn of events, chaos **lunged** onto the table and thrust his arms up into the air, laughing maniacally.

The chandeliers in the room fizzed and sizzled and exploded as sparks rained down upon the terrified members of the Mary and Shelley Club. The sparks turned into a thick toxic waste and the men began to melt as hideous diseases plagued them. They crumpled to their knees while chaos engaged in a dance of evil on the table, alternating from lifting one knee high into the air and swinging his arms from side to side over his head.

The fire then ate away at the 'We love you Mary and Shelley' banner located high above the room, sending it into ashes as it fell around chaos. Geysers of evil (consisting of all the members' blood) sprang up from the floors and erupted into rainbows of blood flowing into the air, and landing all over the room as chaos continued on with his dance of evil. The boom-box in the corner of the room playing the 'We Love Mary and Shelley' theme song was destroyed when chaos jumped from the table, clutched the CD Player in both hands and watched as the machine exploded, like dynamites in a mine.

He skipped around the table while the geysers continued to spurt blood, and he trampled over the remains of the bodies of the club members, purposely, humming to nasty and evil tunes he had found on the internet.

This was a great day.

Meanwhile…

"So how did everyone like the concert last night?" Allen grinned. Everyone shot him a dirty look and went back to eating.

"I thought it was great, too. I'm surprised that it rendered you all speechless." Allen jumped onto Shion's table, her food catapulting to the floor. "What did you think, Shion? Great huh?"

"I am **never** speaking to you again!" She banged her hands against the table and Allen jumped to his feet, dancing on the table's surface. Suddenly, the table cracked in half and both Shion and Allen fell to the floor.

"The music was not to my liking," KOS-MOS responded, oblivious as to why everyone was mad at Allen. "It puzzles me as to why you humans must brainwash yourselves with your so-called _music._"

"He was making **fun** of us, KOS-MOS," Captain Matthews told the android. "You're right about the music at least. It **stunk.**" He glared at Allen on the last remark.

"You're just insanely jealous that I am incredibly famous and you…" Allen swept his hand through his bangs, haughtily, "…are still a low-life hunting for food scraps everyday." The rapper stood up, wiping the dust and wood particles from his rapping suit and stuck his nose high up into the air.

"**Food scraps!?**" Captain Matthews pushed himself from out of the booth. "I'll turn **you** into food scraps, Allen Ridgeley!"

"Annnnnd," Allen pretended to file his nails. "I'm making my first CD today."

"**What!?**" everyone, but KOS-MOS, exclaimed.

"Who would want to buy **your** trashy music!?" Tony pointed at him.

"The only people it appears trashy to are **you** common folk," Allen replied, his voice still stuck up and snooty. "In fact, I have fourteen new hit singles out that are all going on that CD. They're called…" Allen began to name them off, "My Friends Suck, Everyone Should Die, Women, Who Needs Them? Whores, Sluts, and Shion…"

"**What!?**" Shion scrambled to her feet, looking ready to kill.

"Pigs on the Elsa…ACK!" Shion began to strangle Allen and wrestle him to the ground. "SECURITY! SECURITY!" Allen wailed as two hefty men with glasses broke into the room and grabbed Shion, who was still thrashing about.

Allen wrapped a hand around his bruised neck while one of the hefty men helped him to his feet. "Thank you Brutus," he told the man who helped him up.

"What do you want us to do with her, Boss?" the other hefty man who was holding Shion effortlessly asked.

"Clyde, just take her to the dungeon downstairs." Allen grinned.

"We have a dungeon on the Elsa?" Tony asked.

"Actually," Allen looked everyone in the room over. "Take them all to the dungeon."

"What?" Hammer gasped. "You're doing WHAT to us?"

"That's right," Allen grinned. "I bought this ship legally."

"But it's **my** ship!" Captain Matthews shouted as Brutus grabbed him, Tony, and Hammer.

"Not anymore, tubby," Allen tossed his head back and laughed. "Now it's **my** ship."

"Allen," Clyde looked over at KOS-MOS. "What do you want us to do with her?"

"Hmmm," Allen pondered. "I _do_ hate KOS-MOS with good reasons…but…she looks useful. KOS-MOS, I **order** you to come over here and give me foot massages."

KOS-MOS paused and looked at Shion, who was shaking her head. "Allen, I am a combat android, not a masseuse."

"Clyde! Show _Miss_ KOS-MOS what will happen to her if she does not cooperate."

Clyde quickly stuffed a toaster into the microwave and within three seconds, the entire kitchen had exploded and was being consumed by flames.

"As you wish…Master," KOS-MOS hastily moved to Allen's side.

"**YUMMY!**" Allen rubbed his hands together.

Meanwhile…

"You'll never get away with this, Professor," Gaignun frowned as the three unhappily walked towards the dock, their backs slouching. The Professor was happy though. "Someone _will_ catch you."

The Professor looked at all the dead bodies lying in the hallway. "You were saying _what,_ Gaignun?"

Gaignun was displeased.

"My gun has **infinite** bullets, you moron!" the Professor laughed. "You can't stop me! You can't even hope to slow me down!" The four stopped at a small ship docked in the corner. "Get in, you losers," the Professor brandished his gun in the air.

They all unwillingly obliged, crawling into the ship and strapping themselves in the seats.

"You don't know how to control this," Gaignun told the Professor. "Allow me to do it…" Gaignun reached for the Pilot's Ejection Seat button, but was shooed away with the Magnum.

"Try that again and I'll tear your fingers off and eat them for lunch," the Professor threatened.

"And that's a threat I would actually take seriously," Ziggy whispered to Gaignun.

"Ziggy, are we going to die?" MOMO looked up sadly at Ziggy.

It hurt Ziggy to look at the little girl that way, although he wasn't sure where the emotion had come from.

"Of course not," Ziggy reassured. "I won't let anything bad happen to you. I promise."

"What about me?" Gaignun whined. "Are you going to protect me?"

Ziggy facefaulted. "**No**, Gaignun, you're a **grown man** who can take care of himself."

"Where are we going, Professor?" MOMO asked.

"To ruin Assistant Scott's **stupid** wedding, of course!" the Professor started the engine and unskillfully pulled it out of the dock, crashing it into another ship, destroying it, and took off out of the Kukai Foundation.

Meanwhile, Mary looked outside and gasped. Gnosis! And they were heading this way!

"Oh my stars!" she cried as she turned to the Realian Crew. "Alert everyone! Get Mr. Gaignun and Little Master down here now!"

One of the Realians shook her head as she looked back at Mary, "Mr. Gaignun has disappeared!"

"Disappeared?" Mary's eyes widened.

"He's been kidnapped!" another Realian added. Suddenly, an evil image appeared on the plasma screen. It was the Professor.

"**HA!** You'll never take me alive, you weed whackers! I have your _precious _Gaignun, the Cyborg, and the 100 Series Realian, too!" In the background Ziggy, MOMO, and Gaignun were waving. "If you ever want to see them alive again, you'll give me three-hundred billion gold pieces, half of the Durandal, and a **new** laboratory with a built-in swimming pool!"

Ziggy was busy writing on a piece on construction paper and then held it up behind the Professor for everyone to see. _'Will be back soon; don't worry about us, and the Professor will be assassinated. Hugs and kisses from MOMO and have a nice day,'_ was what the paper said.

The plasma screen went blank and Mary shook her head, trying to comprehend what had just happened.

"Mary! Little Master is in the Gambling Room!" another Realian announced.

"**Still?**" Mary turned to the Realian.

In the Gambling Room…

"**NO!** My rights to the Durandal! They're…**gone!**" Jr. sobbed as he sat there, in only his boxers, with his pathetic cards.

"Much obliged," the burly man grinned as he scooped up the legal documents and stood up. "And so that I won't smear my winning streak, I'm going to start working on my prize. First off, I'm going to turn the Durandal into an amusement park!"

"What?" Jr. jerked his head up from the table.

"Of course! It will be full of wine, women, and song!"

"You are **not** turning the Durandal into a strip club, you sick freak!"

Back in the Control Room…

"Mary! We've just received word about the Durandal's **new** owner!" yet _another_ Realian said. "Jr. has gambled away the Durandal to a sick and twisted freak!"

"**Why!?**" Mary clutched her head. "Where's Shelley?"

"Dead Ma'am…" …another Realian said.

"**Dead!?**" Mary screeched. "**How!?**"

"Allow me to assist you…" chaos stepped into the room and Mary breathed a sigh of relief, "Thank Nephilim that you're here, chaos…" Mary smiled, "You'll know what to do!"

"Indeed I will…" chaos grinned as he thrust his arms up high, engaging in the NINJA EVIL TOUCH! Computer monitors began to blow out left and right as panic ensued. The same geysers from the room before spurted up into the Control Room, raining human blood all over the place.

"AHHHHH!" cried all of the Realians as the acid blood began to eat away at their flesh and melt from their bodies. All the Realians dissolved into puddles of acidly goop and died horrible deaths.

"No!" Mary watched the horror of it all as chaos danced down the aisle to Mary. He grinned and then reached up to touch her face. "Wait, your lipstick smeared…" he said as poisonous gases formed in his hand and then fed through Mary's body like a disease. She screamed as her eyes fell from her sockets, and her clotting blood began to push through her pores and drip to the floor in a congealed mess. Her hair fell from her head and dropped to the ground like leaves from a tree.

chaos began on his evil dance of doom as Mary's limbs fell from her body, steam coming out of her nose and ears as she crumpled to the floor like a ragged doll.

"Now, there is no one left stopping me in my reign of terror! The world will feel my wrath as it rains down upon them like evil spiders from their strands of web."

Meanwhile, Albedo and Virgil were still trying to put together the plasma screen…but they failed horribly. And since I'm so incredibly lazy right now (Because, I'm sorry to say that hmwk is more important) I will not write out this scene.

In fact…I'm ending the chapter here, on a nice cliffhanger because I am so incredibly mean. But Bren-Chan! Just to let you know, chaos will win.

And I'm sorry for the lack of updates, but I do want everyone to know that the story will not be discontinued, but since hmwk is so plentiful, it may take a while to get the next two chapters in. Why? The story is ending in two chapters. Most probably anyway. Anywho, R&R (If you're not feeling spiteful and can restrain yourself from flaming me) and yeah. Ninja Evil Touch.

Parallel Blue13115


	5. King Allen, The Sexiest Rapper Alive

**Disclaimer: **Woot for not owning stuff. Like Xenosaga…and Final Fantasy IX.

**A/N: **Have no fear. I have returned. (Grin)

**There's No Such Thing As Luck**

**King Allen, The Sexiest Rapper Alive**

**Chapter Five**

Gnosis appeared on the horizon, just moments away from trouncing the Kukai Foundation. Whatever shall these poor people do?

Meanwhile, everyone was thrown down into the newly constructed jail located on the Elsa. Captain Matthews was busy beating on the door while Tony and Hammer played strip go-fish in the corner. Hammer was losing.

"Hammer put that away!" Shion cried, shielding her eyes as Hammer stared at her, standing in just his boxers.

"That **clown,** Allen!" Matthews kicked the door. "I'm gonna tear him limb from limb when I get out of here."

"That's _if,_ Captain," Tony said. "That's a very big _if._ Chances are that we'll never get out of here. People will all forget about us and we'll have to wind up eating each other for survival."

Everyone shot threatening looks at the blonde man.

Tony didn't seem to notice as he glanced back down at his cards. "I say we eat Matthews first. He's the fattest."

"Why you snot-nosed little butt-muncher!" Matthews lunged for Tony, knocking the cards out of his hands, and began to strangle him. "I'll twist those earrings right out of your ears!"

"Enough children!" Shion snapped, causing everyone to pause and stare up at her. "We just have to think positively. I'm sure…Allen…will come to his senses and let us out of here eventually."

Ya Shion. And Allen is…?

"AHAHAHA!" Allen laughed from his velvet throne as KOS-MOS unenthusiastically massaged his feet. Brutus and Clyde stood on both sides of his purple throne as a **huge** party commenced within the halls of the Elsa, the disco ball spinning on the ceiling above them.

"Get a grip, Shion." Matthews said.

Meanwhile…

"Look!" MOMO pointed as the ship neared a large gathering in the middle of a field on some random planet named 'Ug-Nug'. "It's Assistant Scott's wedding!"

"It sure is," Ziggy concurred.

"And we're going to **ruin it!**" The Professor laughed maniacally. "Watch this!" And the Professor began to press random buttons on the control panel.

Several guns opened up from different panels of the outside of the ship, all aiming for Scott's wedding. "Fare thee well, Assistant Scott!" the Professor launched several missiles towards the ground.

"Professor!" Ziggy cried, leaning towards the front seat. "No!"

"How could you!" Gaignun's eyes widened. "You just killed them all!"

"Isn't it colorful?" the Professor's face split with a grin as the entire wedding (including a fifty-mile radius of land) was blown to kingdom come.

MOMO squinted as body parts, streamers, banners, tables, wedding cake, and flyers were thrown into the air. "On second thought…this wasn't Assistant Scott's wedding after all."

"…What?" The Professor watched as a wedding flyer landed on the windshield of the ship, "Vivi and Quina's Day of Happiness…? That doesn't sound at **all** like Assistant Scott."

Ziggy's eyes narrowed as he gave a disgusted look to the Professor. "You mean you just **blew** all those people up, and you didn't even know who they **were?**"

"Mistakes happen," the Professor shrugged. "No one will miss them anyway."

"**Idiot!**" Gaignun shouted.

"Uh, excuse me," the Professor started, turning around in the seat and pointing the magnum at Gaignun. "What did you say?"

Gaignun blinked, turned to Ziggy, and slapped him upside the head. "**Idiot!** Can't you see that the Professor just did a **good** thing?"

Ziggy immediately turned and punched Gaignun in the face.

"Touch me again, and I'll throw you out of the ship."

"I'm sorry," Gaignun said hastily, his hands clutching his bleeding nose.

"Well if **that** wasn't them, then **where** are they?" the Professor huffed.

"Uh…" MOMO leaned forward and pointed to the right, "Over there where it says 'Scott and Gloria's wedding?'"

The Professor frowned. "Wait a minute. They're so close! And the bomb destroyed everything within a fifty-mile radius. So why is it that they're not dead?"

"Because," Gaignun started, stuffing Kleenex up his nose, hoping to slow the bleeding, "their wedding is blessed by God."

The Professor was silent for just a moment before hitting Gaignun in the face with the butt of the magnum, "**Fool!**"

"Dear Lord! My face!" Gaignun screamed as his hand fled to his eye.

"Professor, instead of blowing them up, why don't we just try and _talk_ to Assistant Scott like _rational_ people?" Ziggy paused and then added, "Well except for me. I'm a Cyborg."

"You giraffe!" the Professor snapped. "Words cannot be comprehended by that fool of a three-toed sloth! He has the literacy skills of a five-year old."

"What?" Gaignun blinked. "And you let him **work **under me!?"

"He's over-exaggerating," Ziggy explained before turning back to the loony professor. "Come on Professor. Just do it." Ziggy pushed MOMO forward, "Just look at the child."

MOMO worked up the best puppy eyes that she could muster, even adding the tears.

The Professor's eyes narrowed as his brows furrowed together, "Cyborg…you must be a fool if you think that I, at all, have a heart. In my veins flow the blackest of oil and there is a void where that big muscle should be. I feel no compassion. Now, Assistant Scott must die."

Ziggy slapped himself in the face. Then something else drew the Professor's attention. Puzzled, Ziggy looked over and nearly shrieked. There was Gaignun, giving the Professor his own puppy eyes and trembling bottom lip.

"That's…not right," Ziggy muttered, scooting away from Gaignun.

"Man that just bites," Jr. muttered, sulking out of the Gambling Room, wearing nothing but his boxers. "Well…guess I'll go to the bridge and see how everyone is doing under the command of their new leader." And then the alarm sounded.

"Gnosis! Gnosis!" came over the loudspeaker. "Gnosis are coming towards the Durandal and Kukai Foundation! Citizens are to evacuate the city immediately! Little Master! Report to the bridge!"

"That's…probably a bad thing then," Jr. said to himself.

"Make way!" the burly man who had won all of Jr.'s clothes and junk strutted into the bridge like he owned the place…well because…technically he _did_ own the place. A purple cape was tied around his neck and flowed elegantly behind him. "Make way! I, your new ruler, am here!"

chaos, perched high above in one of the rafters of the ceiling of the bridge, stared down at the man with little black beady eyes.

"I have the answers to all our problems!" the man proclaimed. "**I** can rid us of the Gnosis!" Then the man paused as he looked around. There was not a living soul inside that room. In fact there was a lot of…blood…and guts…and dead bodies. "Ew…ish." Then he looked up.

chaos hissed as he jumped from the rafters and fell upon his prey like a spider. "DOOM!" he snarled.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" the man screamed as chaos landed on top of him, pushing him to the ground.

"NINJA EVIL TOUCH!" chaos raised a hand into the air and…randomly…his nails began to grow longer…Like…really long…Like daggers…

AND HE PLUNGED THEM INTO THE HEART OF THE MAN!

"FIEL MAH WRATH!" chaos cackled (And yes. He can spell all of that wrong because chaos has genes. And talent. And platinum hair). Green ooze poured from the chest of the man as he coughed and sputtered and random black insects crawled from the man's mouth and onto his face…and they were carnivore bugs so they ate the skin from the man's face.

And the skin melted from the man's bones…and the bones melted too…and the bugs continued to devour him…and chaos withdrew his hand from within the man's chest…his fingers and long nails closing in around the man's still beating heart until he split the man's heart in half with just his nails…and he bit into the heart…dark blood spilling around his mouth and onto the floor…

And now this scene is just too grotesque for even me. So we'll stop here.

"No! No! You fool! That's not how it's supposed to go!" Virgil tossed one of the most important parts to the computer on the floor. "Blast! You're such a moron, Albedo!"

"What did you call me, you filthy little worm?" Albedo jumped to his feet and pushed his face into Virgil's.

"Ah, so you're deaf, too?"

_"Dark forces…I summon you to me…banish these weaklings and inferior ones from my presence…"_

"Wait…That was like what we heard before…except it had more words this time…" Albedo blinked.

"Guess the author of this story forgot the **real** phrase last chapter," Virgil smirked.

Suddenly, lightning struck the computer the two had been working so hard on and then set Albedo's whole laboratory on fire.

"…Monster Shrump," Albedo muttered and looked up to the raging fire. "My lab."

"The computer!" Virgil whined. "Now we're screwed!"

"Did you hear that?" Shion gasped, turning to the men. "Gnosis have appeared!"

"Yeah?" Tony asked, still playing cards with Hammer. "Allen owns the ship now. Let him take care of it."

"Yeah," Hammer agreed. "Good old Allen…who always seems to get the better stuff than us. I heard that he's been nominated 'sexiest man of the year.'"

"What?" Matthews cocked an eyebrow. "All from that stupid little concert he put on?"

"Allen?" Tony blinked. "Sexy? Who was judging?"

"And his first album has already sold over a million copies," Hammer added.

"You're such a liar Hammer!" Tony yelled, flinging the cards in Hammer's face.

"My eye!" Hammer cried, falling backwards onto the floor.

Shion bit her lip. This was bad.

"King Allen," Clyde tapped Allen on the shoulder. "The stage has been set for you to sing for us, King Allen."

"Ah! Splendid!" King Allen grinned, his feathery glasses over his eyes. "It's time for me to make an appearance in front of **all** of my adoring fans!"

He stood up, and looked around.

"And after **I** win, I will be crowned 'sexiest rapper of the universe'! …And then King. Again. Because I'm already King now."

"Woot." Both Clyde and Brutus said with great amounts of enthusiasm.

"Shelley! Mary! What's the matter?" Jr. ran into the bridge…in just his boxers. There in front of him he saw chaos, standing above the body of the burly man. Blood soaked the carpets, walls, glass, control panels, chairs, etc…

Smiling, chaos padded over to Jr., the blood still running from the edges of his mouth.

"Welcome…Jr." chaos smirked.

"Hey, that's the guy who stole all my stuff…" Jr. looked back up at chaos and a big smile cracked at his face. "Thank you, chaos!" And he leapt into chaos's arms. "Now the ship is **mine** again!"

"What?" chaos's eyes widened. "What is this? This…_happiness?_ My body is weakening!" He struggled to free himself from Jr.'s grasp. "You **fool!** Let me go!" chaos brought a leg up and kneed Jr. in the family jewels. Gasping for air, Jr. fell to the ground…clutching his uh…family jewels.

"Ow, chaos…I think you broke them…"

"Now, foolish mortal," chaos grinned (as his evil theme song began to play in the background…maybe something like 'One-Winged Angel' or something) "Prepare to submit to my every whim…"

Great. Just…Great.

Oh man…What am I on? I can't believe I wrote this. I'm going to get flamed for sure. Yeah well whatever. I don't really care cause I've gotten this far with it. (lol) Very grotesque. And yes, the 'Vivi and Quina' wedding was from FF IX for those who have played it. Anyway, there's only one chapter left and hopefully it won't take over half of a year to finish it. I apologize for being so late on that. R&R please. Oh by the way, for the people who have been asking, YES, I SHALL put romance in at the end. Promise.

For Lady Yami who asked about Gaignun's powers. Um. I forgot he had those. So uh…we'll just _overlook_ that for now and say that uh…chaos ate his powers or something (Grin)

PB13115


	6. Stampede Of Llamas And Ziggy's Wedding B...

**Disclaimer:** Give me a break. I don't own the friggin stuff already! Turkeys! Okay? Happy? And there's not even any turkeys in my story! Oh! And MORE! I don't own Sephiroth's theme from Final Fantasy VII, or Dungeons & Dragons, or any of the other stuff one may recognize as not mine…Except the story. Now THAT is MINE.

**A/N:** 83 reviews for 5 chapters? You people are crazy! But that's why I love ya! Ah yes, the long awaited sixth chapter of this miserable story. But…I lied. This actually ISN'T the last chapter for this little saga. There's a seventh? Uh, yeah. As I kept writing, I kept getting more ideas and trying to squeeze them all in resulted in cutting the story out of its pure entertainment MAJORLY. But the seventh chapter IS already mostly written out, so you all don't have to worry about waiting 70 billion months for another update. And since Episode II just recently came out and I have yet to get my hands on that, I can say that this may not be the end of this story in general. I may make another story like this, or worse…just add on to this story. Who knows? Things change. Also, I have received a couple e-mails from people wondering that if I DO plan on continuing on with the story, if I'm going to post the chapters here on FF Net. Honestly, I can't say. I'm not even really posting here; I'm over at Mediaminer. But I'm only posting here for my adoring fans. See? See what I do for you? Heh, but it's fine with me. Anyway, on a prelude to a concluding note, I hope you've enjoyed 'There's No Such Thing As Luck' and I will be sure to let you all know if there is going to be more to come. Promises, promises. Now, moving on!

And…perhaps I should warn now. I kind of got carried away with chaos and his Ninja Evil Touch…blood…the Professor…more blood. Ya know. Stuff like that. So don't say I didn't **WARN** you.

**There's No Such Thing As Luck**

**Stampede of Llamas and Ziggy's Wedding Bouquet**

**Chapter Six**

Walls crumbled, debris was flung all over the place, instantly killing random unfortunate people.

They never had a chance…

…Oh well. Sucks for them. Anyway, bouncing through the broken holes in between walls were none other than the long awaited Gnosis, ready to kick butt and take some names. Hundreds crowded through the walls, stomping over each other, eager to kill everyone. What fun.

"Do you hear that?" Tony asked, looking heavenwards to the vibrating ceiling above him and the others. "I told you there was no hope." He went back to playing Strip Go Fish.

"Stop it, Tony!" Shion stomped her foot, irate.

"Yeah, Tony!" Hammer chimed in. "Those aren't the Gnosis above us!"

Tony was skeptical. "That's right Hammer. Fuzzy bunnies are making nests above us." He flung the cards in Hammer's face. "**Idiot!** Now I see why your mother killed herself!"

"My mother did **not** kill herself! It was accidental food poisoning!"

"Will you be quiet!?" Captain Matthews grabbed the hat from off his head and flung it to the ground. "Golf carts! You guys are annoying!"

"…Golf carts?" Hammer and Tony looked at each other, confused.

Well, it looks like the good old gang won't be doing anything other than playing Strip Go-Naked-Hammer-Fish for a while…

"Move it! Faster!" The Professor pushed the barrel of the magnum into Ziggy's back, knocking him forward. "Am I not making myself clear?"

"I have to go to the bathroom," Gaignun whined.

"Shut up!" The Professor withdrew the magnum from Ziggy's back and began to abuse poor Gaignun with it. "No bathroom breaks until _after_ we turn Assistant Scott's white ribbons and bouquets into guts o' galore, yo-yos made of eyeballs, and we use human teeth to line the cake!"

"Oh…" Gaignun slouched over, afraid. "Oh…that…sounds nasty."

Just yards away from the conspiring Professor and his hostages, Assistant Scott was giving his 'I do's' to his new sweet bride, Gloria Squattingork. Wait, does that mean that Assistant Scott's _real_ name is Assistant Scott Squattingork? And can Orks really squat? Perhaps if we asked mister T...

"**Oh…my…Gawd.** I'm just **moments** away from victorious human cannibalism and the **Narrator** has to ruin **everything!**" The Professor began to violently jump up and down, screaming and swinging the magnum.

Just then, the sky grew very…very dark…and clouds quickly materialized overhead. Then a lightning bolt struck, outlining the ground around the Professor.

"Oooh! Oooh!" Gaignun pointed. "The Professor nearly suffered Misfortune Damage!"

The Professor cocked an eyebrow. "…Misfortune Damage?" The ground suddenly radiated with such luminosity and another lightning bolt fed through the sky and displayed its truth wrath…like…smiting the poor Professor. After twenty seconds of glamorous showers of illuminant display and piercing screams and burnt human flesh, the lightning died out, leaving behind the charred remains of what _used_ to be the handsome, seductive, sexy…

"EWWW!" the trio hostage blurted out.

All right, maybe not sexy.

"I knew it!" Gaignun cried as white little beady eyes through black fleshy tissue blinked at him. "Just like in Dungeon & Dragons!" Fishing in his pocket, Gaignun pulled out a D4, used _especially_ in D&D. He squatted on the ground and rolled the die, grinning from ear to ear. "Ah! The number four each time! And the Professor has officially suffered thirteen points of Misfortune Damage."

"How do you exactly plan to get a thirteen off of a four sided die, Gaignun?" Ziggy folded his arms. "Thirteen is not a multiple of four."

"I know, but four is such an unlucky number…"

Suddenly, a rock fell from the sky and landed on the Professor, crushing him.

"See what I mean?" Gaignun concluded.

Ahem…shall we get back to Assistant Scott then?

"I do," Assistant Scott followed up after Gloria.

"Um…okay," the priest said, flipping through his note cards hidden in between the pages of his book. Geez…what a noob… "If…um…there's no objections and…schtuff…"

"I OBJECT!" All of Assistant Scott and Gloria's relatives and friends looked up as a flying grenade soared overhead, like a rainbow, landing right in the middle of the aisle. Heads of crying relatives were blown off, and bodies were dismantled and disemboweled…even though it was only a grenade attack…and flowers were blown to smithereens, and the cake that took two months to finish was blasted apart in a mere three seconds. Oh well. I didn't like chocolate banana whipped cream anyway. Oh yes, back to the blood, guts, and gore. Anyway. The banner overhead that read, "Congratulations Scott and Gloria Squattingork," was torn into teeny tiny pieces from the detonation…More people were killed…The white benches that everyone had been sitting in became flying debris, forming their own rainbow of happiness…

When the smoke cleared, the Professor was still unsatisfied. Assistant Scott, the new Mrs. Squattingork, and the noobly (In my story, noobly is going to be a word, because it's my story. And yes. That **IS** circular reasoning. ) priest were left in the middle of a crater…the wedding ruined.

"The cake!" Gloria wept into her hands as her new husband attempted to console her.

"Blessed by God my butt!" the Professor turned to Gaignun and pointed. "I win!"

"Blasphemy!" the noobly priest cried. "This wedding _is_ blessed by God!"

The Professor walked down the smoldering aisle, stepping over the charred bodies of the wedding couples' relatives.

"Professor!" Assistant Scott cried out, his white tuxedo smeared with blood, guts, and other unfriendly body organs…likes…stomachs…and livers. "What is the meaning of this? Why did you just kill my Uncle Ron and Aunt Chunk-Chunk?"

"Because they deserved to die! They were old anyway!" the Professor screeched.

"There, there, honey," Assistant Scott cooed, rubbing his new wife's back. "**Honestly!** I'm disappointed in you Professor!"

"What did I say, Assistant Scott?" The old Professor pointed a wizened finger at his former apprentice, "I **told** you all that you loved would perish! Everything you touch **dies!** You're a **jynx!**"

Assistant Scott frowned and retorted, "Nothing would've **died** if you hadn't blown everyone up with a **grenade!** My **cake** would still be in tact! My **benches** would still be in tact! My **relatives** would still be in one piece with their livers and stomachs back in their **bodies** instead of soiling my tuxedo on my wedding day!"

"Actually, I think that it's a very good look for you, Assistant Scott. It gives you that homicidal depiction."

"I do **not** take murdering up as a hobby like **you** do, Professor!"

In the background, Ziggy, MOMO, and Gaignun watched as smoke continued to pour up into the sky, flames overtaking the broken benches, and, of course, Scott and the Professor bickering like two old women.

"I **hate** you Professor!"

"**Good!**" The Professor then withdrew the magnum and shot the noobly priest in the eye. He gurgled, spat up blood, and crunched to the ground. Assistant Scott blinked, and then looked down at the dead noobly priest.

"…Why did you just shoot my priest?"

"Because he was using note cards. That's not a man of the cloth. Besides, he was wearing white. It offended me," the Professor answered.

"Oh, like **fudge** it did!" Assistant Scott jumped off the broken flaming steps and pushed his face into the Professor's. "Why can't you ever be happy for me?"

"Because you're ugly! You smell bad!"

"**What!?**"

"Oh, Lord…" Ziggy's face fell into the palm of his hand as he shook his head, "This is going nowhere." The Cyborg turned to approach the two until he felt a small hand wrap around his human one.

"Ziggy," MOMO pleaded. "He has a gun…Be careful…"

Ziggy nodded, "You stay here MOMO." Then he averted his gaze to Gaignun, "You'd better watch over her."

The Cyborg didn't wait for Gaignun to respond before he pivoted and advanced down the aisle.

"All right, Lovebirds, enough bickering," Ziggy stepped in between the two, tired of the shouting. He first looked at the Professor, who was fuming, "Professor, if you didn't like Assistant Scott, I doubt you'd waste your time with him, would you?"

"Out of the way, Cyborg!" the Professor shouted, holding the magnum up to Ziggy's face. From behind, Ziggy could hear the intake of breath come from MOMO and Gaignun.

"I knew you'd try to pull a stunt like this!" Assistant Scott cried, and withdrew a rock from the pocket of his tuxedo, "So I've been saving my lucky skipping stone just for this moment! Take **that** Professor!" Chucking the rock at the Professor, it ricocheted off of the old man's head and he slumped to the ground, a big red ring in the middle of his forehead.

"Well…good job on knocking him out," Ziggy complimented…kind of.

Um…that was interesting. So let's get to the good stuff.

"Well, I figure that I didn't need that lab anyway," Albedo pouted as he watched his entire fortress become consumed by flames. Virgil stood next to him, frowning.

"This is all your fault, I hope you know," Virgil told him.

"Aww, man, shut up!"

Then…Albedo got an awful…terrible…malicious…more awful…hideous…inhumane…still more awful…unthinkable idea.

"We'll just use Wilhelm's PC!" the platinum haired villain chanted, throwing his arms into the air. "It's splendid! Why didn't **I** think of it in the first place?"

"That's right," Virgil muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. "Why _didn't_ you?"

"No matter," Albedo waved the matter away. "We'll just use my portable scooter to get to his HQ."

"…Portable scooter?"

"Ch," Albedo snorted. "It was on sale, Virgil. Gosh, it's not like I've run up my credit cards or anything. I'm a **very** careful shopper!"

"I was more concerned about why there's a portable scooter in your possession, Albedo."

"…Oh."

Okay, so while we wait for Albedo and Virgil to scoot themselves around on Albedo's pink and orange scooter…

"We have located the rebellious one, King Allen!" Clyde and Brutus drug a chained up woman into the room by her hair, kicking and screaming.

"What will you have us do with her?" Clyde asked, gesturing to the struggling woman.

"Lock her in the dungeon with the others?" Brutus suggested.

"No, no," Allen waved their pitiful ideas away and stood up. Tied around his neck and gaudy attire was a purple crunch velvet cape, and a large jewel embossed gold crown that sat upon his head…over his lovely beret. "First, release her gag. I wish to commune with the violator."

When the cloth had been released from the woman's mouth, she immediately began to scream.

"Allen! What in Nephilim's name are you **doing!?** Why did your men trample through my apartment while I was in the middle of doing exercises in front of my TV and chain me up and gag me? And why do you look like an **idiot!?**"

"Speak **not,** vile one, to our **King** like that!" Clyde warned.

"…King?" The woman who seemed to know Allen cocked an eyebrow. And _why_ did she know Allen? Well, it's simple, really.

"Miyuki," Allen sighed. "You have absolutely _no_ sense in fashion. But if you insist that I share with you my secret, I will. It's because I'm King Allen that I wear this...the sexiest rapper alive."

"…What?" Miyuki frowned. "_King?_ Says who?"

"Says me, my adoring fans, me, my producers of the record company, me, the World's Greatest Rapping Contest Commercial, but mostly me."

"It's true," Brutus agreed, gesturing to the huge silent crowd gathered around Allen. "King Allen has many admirers."

"HA! That's a **good** one!" Miyuki broke out into strong laughter. "Allen doesn't have any friends!"

Suddenly, Clyde slapped the woman upside her head. "You will address him as **King** Allen, knave!"

"Oh that's true, Miyuki," Allen agreed, stepping down from his throne. "But that was **before** Allen became cool and found fame and fortune." Then, he whipped out a check from his back pocket. "And mummy and daddy sent me a check for thirty-thousand gold." He flashed a big smile. Yes. If you look in Allen's profile on the keywords of the U.M.N. server, you will see that Allen is indeed…(oddly enough)…rich.

Miyuki again frowned, being held up by Allen's bodyguards. "This is against the law, Allen. I hope you realize that. Once I get out of here, I'm going to press charges against you for assault, kidnapping, and just being plain ugly."

Allen immediately stumbled backwards, his hand clutching his heart. "W-What? Did you just call me…ugly?"

"BOOOO!" the crowd roared as they instantly pressed forward, ready to kill Miyuki with lamps, pitchforks, eggplants, and pictures of Matthews and his motley crew.

"W-Wait!" the Vector woman shrieked. "All right! All right! I'm sorry! What can I do to make it up to you, Allen?"

"A**HEM**," Allen glared down at the sulking Miyuki.

"…King Allen…"

"Aha!" He threw his head back and laughed. Then he pointed to KOS-MOS, "Miyuki, I thought you'd never ask."

Two minutes later…

"Allen…I hate you…" Miyuki said lowly through gritted teeth as she rubbed the bare foot of Allen while KOS-MOS rubbed the other.

"It's splendid!" Allen sank further into his chair, comfortably. "Clyde! Brutus! I see something wrong with the lights above me! I cannot sing if one light is out of place! Fix it for me or else I can't sing!"

"Sing?" Miyuki flinched. "I have to hear Allen **sing?**"

"We'll fix it at once your Highness!" And, of course, Allen's two lapdogs scurried away.

Bravo! So, while Allen is receiving foot massages from Miyuki and KOS-MOS, the Gnosis are stomping around right below his floor and emerging out onto the Durandal and Kukai Foundation. I guess they just decided that Allen wasn't worth their time and ignored his room completely.

"chaos, you really don't…"

"Shut up, Jr.!" The platinum minion of evil turned his back on Jr., more concerned on how he was going to take over the Durandal and rid himself of the redhead behind him and that pimp/player, Gaignun Kukai. And now **Gnosis** had invaded his beloved geyser home of BLOOD! "I am displeased."

"Well, that's very out of character for you. You're usually never displeased."

"Silence!" chaos shouted, turning back to the Little Master. "You have no power **here,** Jr. All **power** is **mine!**"

"You know, you're beginning to sound like Albedo."

"Enough!" And then more blood geysers shot from the floor, causing Jr. to jump back in fear, "I am angered!"

"…So I see."

"Corpses! Arise and serve me!" As if things couldn't get any worse, all of the corpses of the Realians, Mary, and the big burly man became animate and melded together to become some…bloody…gooey…nasty looking toxic…stuff…As chaos proceeded in performing the Troll Dance, the bloody…gooey…nasty looking toxic…stuff…arose behind him, and began to crawl all over the walls, covering every square inch of the windows, the ceiling, the floor…and other stuff…until it finally gave a nice, new, crispy crimson color to the Bridge.

"Ya know, too much red really gives that murderous look to the Durandal, chaos." Jr. tapped his index finger against his chin. "And really, with all that blood, I can't see out the windows. Can we reschedule for a paint job? I was thinking more along the lines of a mural with a certain handsome, daring, and sexy redhead as the cynosure."

"**Silence!**" chaos roared as the tsunami of blood flared up behind him in fierce anger. "There will be no murals featuring **you!**"

"Aw man…That blows."

Then One-Winged Angel began to play in the background.

'_Estuans interius_

_ira vehementi_

_Estuans interius_

_ira vehementi_

_Sephiroth_

_Sephiroth'_

Jr., still standing in just his boxers, looked back and forth between chaos and chaos' army of toxic blood, filled with organs, body parts, heads, more body parts, Jr.'s carpet, even more body parts, Jr.'s guns, I think that there's still more body parts, and whatever else you want to be in it.

'_Estuans interius_

_ira vehementi_

_Estuans interius_

_ira vehementi_

_Sephiroth_

_Sephiroth'_

"**Now** how do you think you can stand against me?" chaos laughed maniacally, folding his arms over his chest.

'_Sors immanis_

_Et inanis_

_Sors immanis_

_Et inanis'_

Blinking, Jr. turned and went down on the lift.

Then the One-Winged Angel music cut to an abrupt stop. How unprofessional.

"Huh? **Hey!**" chaos balled his fists and threw them to his sides as he stomped his foot. "You're not allowed to **leave!** That's **cheating!**" The tsunami of blood once again flared up, flooding the entire bridge.

Bless the blood tsunamis of chaos-sama.

So if you're on a standpoint outside the Durandal, peaking into the Bridge, isn't it nice to think that all you're seeing are waves and waves and more waves of blood that just refuses to coagulate and just continues to fling itself around the room…destroying computers and stuff…like an orchestrated band conducted by chaos. Wow. That's interesting blood indeed. Or perhaps it's just broken.

"Great. NOW what am I going to do?" Jr. frowned and dashed away from the bridge. "Where's Shion and the others when you need them? Now that chaos has gone insane, I doubt there's any hope of survival. And he killed off my sexy crewmembers! Inconceivable! I'll burn off all his hair later. Or add grease in his food and make him gain weight. Yeah, that will teach him. Yeah…" Continuing to hold his boxers up with both hands, Jr. scampered down the halls, seeking guidance.

"Heeeeeeello?" Tony beat on the door, shouting. "Anyone Theeeeere?"

"Man!" Hammer wailed. "We're such failures! We can't even get out of a stupid room! I should just allow you all to eat me first." And Hammer closed his eyes while holding his arms out to his sides. "Just promise you'll do it fast. But spare me my manly pride and refrain from eating my..."

"Look!" Shion shouted as she pointed to the lock panel next to the door. "The light's blue!"

"…Yeah? So?" Captain Matthews asked, uninterested.

"Allen never locked the door! It's been open this whole time!"

"You mean Allen's just as stupid now as he was when he wasn't cool?" Hammer inquired.

Staring down at the panel, Tony scowled, "And Matthews didn't see it?"

"**Hey!** You were over there just as much as me!" the Captain defended. "You fat nerd!"

"Look who's talking, Tubby!"

"Enough of this!" Shion shouted as she brushed past the hopeless trio and dashed out the door.

"…I hear a party going on." Jr. muttered as he wandered (half naked. Can't forget that part) into the Elsa. "Someone's gotta help me now." Then he slouched over. "Geez and all those Gnosis are swarming the ship! But I can't do anything in just my boxers without my beloved guns. I have to do something!"

Regaining his posture, Jr. dashed into one of the cabins…

…and stopped.

That's right. He just…stopped. He stopped at the sight of the colorful disco ball, the freak dancing upon the tables, the two bodyguards, and KOS-MOS and some other woman giving Allen, who was dressed like a clown, foot massages.

"Ah!" Allen cheered. "Entertainment has arrived!"

"Oh Allen!" the girls around him cooed. "Did you hire the male stripper for us?"

"Uh…" He paused, then, _grinning,_ nodded frantically up and down, "Of course, my precious jewels! All for you!" Then, snapping his fingers, "Clyde! Brutus! Throw him upon the vacant table before me!"

"Huh? Hey! **Allen!** What are you doing?" Jr. roared as the two bodyguards seized Jr. "Put me down, you no-necked boxes! I said, '**put me down!**'"

Swinging the near-naked body of Jr. back and forth, they tossed him like a wet towel upon the table, where his face of delicateness was smashed like a vase.

"…Thanks," muttered the redhead, his words becoming absorbed in the furnish of the table.

"Jr.!" Allen clapped his hands together. "You are our opening act! Entertain me! Dance!"

"What are you talking about, Allen?" Jr. flared, standing up and pointing a stern finger at the King, "You don't order **me** around!" Then he looked at KOS-MOS. "Isn't that right, KOS-MOS? Why are you taking orders from Allen?"

"Clyde," Allen began to instruct his bodyguard. "Show _Mister_ Jr. what will happen to him if he does not cooperate."

Clyde quickly grabbed a 1/6 scale model of the Durandal and set it on fire with a lighter. He tossed the burning model to the ground and began to jump up and down upon the massive flames.

"As you wish…Master," Jr. hastily began to do an Irish jig on the table.

"**YUMMY!**" Allen rubbed his hands together.

"Gnosis!" Shion gasped, hiding behind a corner. "What on earth are they doing here?"

"And how come **we** didn't know about it?" Hammer whined.

"Probably because we were **locked** up!" Tony kicked him.

"Oh…That's right," Hammer said from his new position on the floor. "Stupid Allen."

"We have to get to the top and find Allen and make him stop this senselessness!" Shion told them.

"Yeah right!" Matthews snorted. "And what do you think Allen will do with us then?"

"He'll make us strip naked and force us to fight like the old time Gladiators!" Hammer wailed. "I'm so self-conscious! I don't have the heart to show myself off to anyone else, least of all **Allen!**"

Giving dirty looks to the youngest of the Elsa crew, Tony kneed him in the shin.

"AHHHH!"

"You sicko."

"Is that right then?" Ziggy asked, still standing between Assistant Scott and the near-conscious Professor. "Do we finally have things resolved?"

"**NO!**" the Professor screamed.

"What **now!?**" Assistant Scott matched the Professor's pitch just perfectly.

"I won't let this continue!" The old man jumped up and down violently, "I WON'T! I WON'T! I WON'T!"

"You know what your problem is?" Assistant Scott leaned forward, getting in the Professor's face. "You're **jealous!** You're jealous of mine and Gloria's happy relationship!"

"Am **not!**"

Sighing, Ziggy just sat down right there in the middle of the ruined aisle while the two towered over him, shouting insults back at one another.

"And to **think** that I tracked down your old flame whom you had the one night stand with and..."

"**Please!**" Ziggy's voice rose over theirs, catching everyone's attention as he gestured to MOMO. "There are **children** about."

"Sorry," both muttered before resuming their argument.

"How would **you** know who my beloved is?" the Professor narrowed his eyes.

"Oh, I don't know!" came his assistant's sardonic retort. "Maybe because you keep **thirteen diaries** about her and plaster her name all over the bathtub, the covers of your bed, and paint nude pictures of her everyday."

Ziggy's head shot up, disgusted.

"_Shhhh!_" the Professor clamped a hand over Assistant Scott's mouth. "The last part was supposed to be a _secret!_"

"Secret? **Secret!?** You constantly **tortured** me by showing them off to me, asking if you should make any adjustments on her..."

"**Enough!**" Ziggy jumped to his feet, and pushed the two apart from each other. "So where is this all leading to?"

"Just that!" Assistant Scott directed everyone's attention to behind MOMO and Gaignun, where an old fat woman stood, waving her small, chubby hand at the Professor. "Big Bertha."

"B-Bertha?" the Professor stuttered. "Bertha, my beloved?"

"Oooooh Professor _Dahlang!_ How _are_ you doing?" the woman laughed, her voice obviously too high pitched for her large figure. Her nose protruded far out beyond her face where an oversized lumpy black mole with a single strand of gray curly hair sticking out of it sat on the end of her large honker. If that schnozz was any bigger, it could shelter an entire state from a rainstorm. Her eyes were almost uneven, and her eyebrows were terribly misshapen. Her gray hair was held sloppily in a bun and she wore a white dress that was almost ten sizes too small for her, but she obviously must've thought that she looked good in it.

"Bertha!" the Professor cried, running for her as sad, sweet, and sappy music eloped the background and flower petals rained from the sky, dancing in mid-air, like a dream.

And then the Professor tripped on the dead corpse of Assistant Scott's Aunt Chunk-Chunk and the moment was ruined.

"Wilhelm!" Virgil and Albedo shrieked as they tumbled into Wilhelm's secret lair. But Wilhelm was far too busy.

Sitting in his chair, the Vector mastermind was frantically chewing off all of his fingernails in a frenzy, staring at his computer screen.

"Master Wilhelm…" Virgil started.

"What's wrong?" Albedo regained himself and walked towards the very unhappy man.

"This…this **chain letter!**" Wilhelm cried. "At first I thought it was a fluke, but then I heard the dark and sinister voice of the Narrator!"

"Did it, perhaps, say something along the lines of _'Dark forces…I summon you to me…banish these weaklings and inferior ones from my presence…?' _" Virgil asked.

"**Yes!**" Wilhelm jumped from his chair. "That was **exactly** it!"

"Oh," both said in unison.

"I guess he can't help us then," Albedo said, miserably.

"You fool!" Virgil stomped his foot. "Wilhelm is actually one of the most **popular** characters **in** Xenosaga! Fangirls everywhere are just **dying** to see him appear in the other Episodes. We'll get **them** to receive this drastic chain letter and then we'll be saved!"

"You're…right!" Albedo cheered up. "Thank you oatmeal juice!"

"What's this talk about me being popular?" Wilhelm frowned.

"Quick, Master Wilhelm!" Albedo and Virgil pushed him out of the way as they stole his computer, knocking his leather recliner on the ground and immediately began to click on random things. "No time! We have to find all of your friends and send them the chain letter!"

"Hey!" Wilhelm shouted from his occupied position on the ground. "That's **my** personal computer! Leave it alone!"

"No, wait!" Virgil cried, pounding his fist against the keyboard. "Quick, Master Wilhelm! What's your password?"

"I'm not telling you that!"

"It obviously requires force!" Albedo jumped up from the table and pushed the virtual computer from its happy place on Wilhelm's rich desk to the floor.

Wilhelm slowly stared at the new brightness arise in the middle of the room.

"**Now** look what you've done!" the Vector mastermind cried, struggling to his feet. "My office is on fire!"

"No! Wait!" Albedo said hastily. "I can fix this!"

Then all the lights in the building shut off, leaving the trio standing in front of the ever-growing fire, the rest engulfed in darkness.

And then suddenly…

'_Estuans interius_

_ira vehementi_

_Estuans interius_

_ira vehementi_

_Sephiroth_

_Sephiroth'_

"…What the?" Virgil blinked.

Suddenly, the fire took on the form of a certain platinum haired individual, who was now causing havoc on the Durandal.

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" the fire form of chaos bellowed in an evil and demonic voice. "Fear me! I will rule all!"

'_Estuans interius_

_ira vehementi_

_Estuans interius_

_ira vehementi_

_Sephiroth_

_Sephiroth'_

"Dear Lord, is that One-Winged Angel playing in the background?" Albedo turned to Virgil, who unenthusiastically nodded.

"Let all…" chaos threw his head back and held his arms outstretched, the fire still growing higher. "…GO KABOOM! BWAHAHAHA!"

"**Huh?**" all three chorused.

'_Sors immanis_

_Et inanis_

_Sors immanis_

_Et inanis'_

Suddenly, smaller flames leapt from chaos' fire form, turning into many chibi forms of chaos. Shrieking with high pitched shrills, all the chibi forms of chaos ran from the room, swarming the halls like a plague, and attacking all the innocent Vector workers in the building.

"**No!**" Wilhelm grabbed the sides of his head, screaming. "My corporation!"

Avast! It be…! THE NINJA EVIL TOUCH!

'_Estuans interius_

_ira vehementi_

_Estuans interius_

_ira vehementi_

_Sephiroth_

_Sephiroth'_

…To Sephiroth's theme. Go figure.

Anyway.

Leaping into rooms, thousands of chibi chaos' laughed maniacally, grabbing everything in sight, plaguing walls, which began to sprout long zombie-like arms from all the victims that chaos had killed, and setting fire to the poor workers. The zombie arms growing out from the walls grabbed those who passed by them while sprinting down the halls and pulled them, kicking and screaming, into the walls, followed by enormous spurts of blood…like a broken fire hydrant…

'_Veni, veni, venias_

_Ne me mori facias_

_Veni, veni, venias_

_Ne me mori facias'_

Floating heads spinning in circles from more of chaos' victims wandered in and out of rooms, bottom jaws broken and revealing LOOOOOOOONNNNGGG black tongues hanging out of their mouths like soggy ropes.

"What is this?" Wilhelm shrieked as he stared at the humongous dancing flame form of chaos in the middle of his room. "Who are you?"

"I AM THE LORD OF DARKNESS! THE MASTER OF THE NINJA EVIL TOUCH AND FLOATING HEADS WITH BROKEN JAWS! I…AM…CHAOS-SAMA!"

"chaos-sama?" the three echoed.

"But what do you want with us?" Albedo asked, alarmed.

"I WANT…DOOM!" The large flame form of chaos bellowed, flaring higher. "BWAHAHAHA!"

"…Oh."

'_Veni, veni, venias_

_Ne me mori facias_

_Veni, veni, venias_

_Ne me mori facias'_

Then the zombie arms appeared in Wilhelm's room, and he shrieked, jumping into Virgil's arms.

"Behold! My zombies!" chaos laughed. "My chibi chaos' will reign terror!"

Then red clouds materialized in the room above Albedo, Virgil, and Wilhelm and it began to rain crimson evilness from the blood clouds upon them. Sulking, the trio stared at each other.

"This is lame," Albedo sulked, his purty white suit of evil now stained with the blood of all the Vector workers.

Then the floating spinning heads wandered into Wilhelm's office, their black tongues wrapping around the unfortunate trio and restraining them.

"Yeah," Virgil agreed as black tongues attacked him.

"It could always be worse," Albedo pointed out. "We could've suffered the wrath of the Ancient Indian Curse."

"That's right!" Things seemed to be lots cheerier now.

Then a stampede of llamas broke down the wall to Wilhelm's office and trampled everything.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! LLAMAS!"

BEHOLD! THE CURSE OF DUUME!

"Now, cheer up, Assistant Scott," MOMO tried to console the blonde haired man as he sat in the back seat of the small ship, who sat miserably with his hands folded over his chest.

**Flashback of Duume**

"Hey, where did Gloria go?" Assistant Scott asked after things got resolved and everyone began to leave.

The Professor, hand in hand with Big Bertha, pointed to a rustling bush nearby that had managed to survive the Professor's earlier assault.

"Gloria?" Assistant Scott gasped as his new bride stood up from behind the bush…with...another man…

"VANDERKAM!" the groom cried as the bald purple X-ed face grabbed Gloria's hand and the two took off into the meadow. Gloria threw her bouquet over her shoulder and it flew high up into the air.

The wedding march played in the background at an exceedingly fast pace.

"How **could **you!?" Assistant Scott cried, tears streaming down his face as he stomped his foot. "Come **back** here, you Stamp-Face!"

"You know him?" Gaignun asked as Assistant Scott crumpled to the ground, sobbing.

"Of course! He and I were classmates! He **always** stole **everything** from me! My lunch! My clothes! My house! Even my family! And now he's run off with my wife!"

"**HA!** I **told** you your wedding would end in disaster!" the Professor gloated as he danced in front of Assistant Scott, pointing a rude finger in his face. "I told you! I told you! I TOOOOLD YOU!"

"**Screw you!**" and Assistant Scott went back to sobbing.

"At least that's over with," Ziggy mumbled and then looked up to the sky for a split-second before inattentively catching something. Looking down, he realized that he was holding Gloria's bouquet.

"Yay, Ziggy!" MOMO clapped as the Cyborg stood there, dumbfounded, holding a bouquet of roses. "That means that you're going to get married!"

"…" Ziggy was not happy.

**End Flashback of Duume**

Ziggy, who was controlling the ship now, looked ahead and frowned. "Gnosis?" he said aloud to no one in particular as the sight of hundreds of Gnosis swarmed all over the Elsa, Durandal, and Kukai Foundation.

"Hey! That's **my** Foundation!" Gaignun slapped the back of the seat. "I will not **stand** for such rudeness!"

"Ziggy," MOMO said uneasily. "What are we going to do?"

Chewing on his bottom lip, Ziggy looked over at the Professor, his beloved, the sulking Assistant Scott, and Gaignun. "It's best if you get to the Bridge and find out what's going on. I'll go and find Shion and the others." Then, looking to MOMO, "MOMO, perhaps it will be best if you stay with the Professor and the others."

"No!" MOMO protested. "I'm staying with you Ziggy!"

"MOMO it's too dangerous..."

"Please!" she cried.

Shaking his head, Ziggy remained silent. And then, "Fine. But don't wander away from me."

The Cyborg then parked the ship into the dock and everyone split up from there.

You know what? Maybe I should just hurry up and end this story. I'm getting WAY too carried away it seems. Especially with chaos. But um…my favorite part was when Ziggy caught the bouquet. ' And then when the stampede of llamas trampled everyone. Even though llamas are supposed to be extinct.

I know people are going to attack me for this chapter. ' So sorry! But um…please R&R anyway…? Um…nicely would be appreciated. (Perhaps I should rewrite it…?)

(Dear Lord, I am about to go down in flames…GASP! Wolfwood! I know that line!)

PB-13115


	7. The Trio Testosterone Band

**Disclaimer:** I think you all know by now what I own and what I don't own. Okay well…I don't own the book, Crime and Punishment (That's a good book, by the way), Citan Uzuki from the original Xenogears (And THAT'S a great game too), One-Winged Angel (Sephy's theme from FF VII), um…the idea of Emergy and his 'hero' from s.CRY.ed as well as his theme song (A great anime too), uh…the striking a pose and Vogue…that's a Madonna song…Skyy Vodka, Wild Turkey (Am I just getting carried away now?), the song Pretty Woman, the obvious 'Big 'S,' the Devil' quote from Shadow of Destiny (Another fun game), Jell-o, Phoenix Downs from the Final Fantasy series, Vash the Stampede (who is in here through a brief mentioning), the DBZ Fusion-ha pose, the idea of the happy face with 'Have a nice day,' Alice's theme from Shadow Hearts, Aeris' Theme, but I DO own the Trio Testosterone. Bwahaha!

**A/N:** To Erif with love from the author:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That was a GOOD one :Wipes a tear away from too much laughter: But seriously. If you really hated the story THAT much, why did you bother reading the whole thing? Ah, I see, you got addicted too, but won't admit it. That's okay. I won't tell. At least you thought it was funny. That's all that matters. Oh, and I'm not sure if you saw the genre, but it said **humor** and nothing else. Not romance, not general, just **humor**. So at least I did something right. Wait…you're not sore because I killed off a favorite character of yours, right? If I did, I must say that I truly do apologize. (By the way, ellipses have three periods in them, and 'no one' is two words, and chaos' name under ANY circumstance is lowercase) However I really have to admit that I liked Drakengard, especially when the Red Dragon was impaled on the top of the Empire State Building. Well, maybe not that part, but Caim is my idol, ya know? He's a prince, dark, mysterious, sexy, and above all else, I heart his big sword. Oh, and here's a cough drop too. It might take care of that cough of yours. Sorry I didn't leave your review up, but I didn't really want to add your review to my collection of reviews. It's not worthy with all of your spelling errors. Go back to school and learn how to spell. However, I DO dedicate this chapter to you, with lots of love from me. Hey, and did you know that your name spelled backwards is 'fire'? Cliché!

All right, enough with the personal interviews to my adoring reviewers, I'm just here to let you know that this will be the last chapter to this story, and I have ACTUALLY beaten Xenosaga II (within a week. Impressed, ne?). It was a nice game. But now I have to wait for Episode III (like the rest of us. That's no fun). I DO have some more ideas for a sequel, but that's if you guys want to see more. I know Erif/Fire does so I'll keep her/him/it in mind. But what about the rest of you?

By the way, I drew a fanart for this chapter! Go to my profile to find the link to it! (I apologize ahead of time for the horrible art skills ')

And on a side note to TheShoelessOne!

Thank you so much for the support and the wonderful piece of fanart! That's right guys. Fanart! The link to it is located on my profile so be sure to go and look at it! I'll be looking forward to your own updates.

And, of course, a big thank you to all of my reviewers!

**There's No Such Thing As Luck**

**The Trio Testosterone Band**

**Chapter Seven**

"Wait, Shion!" Hammer halted and pointed to the shadow lurking around the corner. "It's a Gnosis!"

"Don't be stupid, Hammer!" Tony marched past everyone. "You're **obviously** seeing things!"

"But what if Hammer is right?" Shion asked.

"Hammer? Right? Oh come on! He's never been right before, why would he be right now? Besides, we've been locked in that 'dungeon' of Allen's for the past six hours! We're not going to let some odd shaped shadow make us turn with our tails between our knees, are we?"

"Shion?" Everyone looked up to a raven haired man with a sword.

"Jin?" Shion blinked. "Brother? What are **you** doing here?"

"…I got bored." Jin muttered. "Nanny threw all of my books into the lake."

Jin had a nanny?

**Flashback of Duume**

Jin Uzuki was busy reading Crime and Punishment at the time. It was a lovely Tuesday afternoon, complete with rays of artificial sunshine, artificial flowers, artificial grass, and heck, even the wooden house was artificial. On the world of Second Miltia, everything was artificial. But that didn't stop Jin from enjoying himself.

That was of course, before Nanny came.

"Ho, there boy! What'cha think you're all doing there?"

Jumping abruptly, Jin inattentively tossed his book into the air and gawked wide-eyed at his intruder.

"M-May I help you, ma'am?" he asked in his most sincere voice.

"Fool! I received word from Master Helmer himself that you were in heaps of trouble!" It was then that Jin caught sight of the woman in full regalia. She was a beastly woman, overweight, but strangely enough, the definition of muscle was evident on her arms. She looked as though she could tear his tiny home into two. And then some.

Hanging out of her chapped lips was a loooooong cigar (Yes. Cigar.) smoking at the end. It wasn't long before Jin's perfect home was enveloped in second-hand smoke. Her gray, mattered hair stuck out on all sides from her sloppy bun and her nose hooked like the beak of a giant bird, curly nose hairs unattractively displaying themselves before him.

"Helmer?" Jin questioned, holding a hand over his nose. "I haven't spoken to him in ages. Why on earth would he think I was in trouble?"

Unexpectedly, the fat woman withdrew a whip from her belt and slapped it across Jin's wrist, causing a burst of yells to emerge from him.

"You sassy talk me! I'll punish you!"

"I don't even **know** you!"

"I'm Nanny! I'm your new housekeeper!"

"I order you to leave immediately!"

Again the whip came.

"OW!"

"Next time, I'll haul you across my knee and give you a well deserved spanking!"

If there was a more appropriate time for an emoticon moment for Jin, **now** was that time.

"Now about these here books of the devil…"

"They're **history** books, **thank** you very much!"

Nanny yanked one from the shelf and pelted Jin with it. Unable to dodge swiftly enough, Jin was knocked to the ground, a mound of flesh swelling above his right eye.

"Who needs no stinking family tree about some hoser named Citan Uzuki who is born way into the future or something?" Nanny snorted.

"HEY!"

"Them there books only have one place to go and that's to the lake!"

Jin looked up with a start. "HUH?"

Nanny waddled outside and summoned a tow truck that appeared to come out from seemingly nowhere.

"**Fool! **Get yo' behind over here and pick up these here tools of the Devil!"

"W-what? W-wait!" And Jin darted outside.

**End Flashback Of Duume**

Trying so hard to restrain herself, but finding it impossible, Shion fell to the ground, clutching her sides, as she laughed like a hyena.

"…It's not **that** funny…" Jin pouted, his shoulders slumping over.

"**Yes **it is!" Shion guffawed, rolling over onto her stomach. "It's very, **very, **funny! Now you can't be lazy anymore! You can't **read** anymore! HA!"

His eyes narrowing, Jin rose his sword high above his head. Sister or no sister, his books were like his little offspring of Jins, running all over the place to keep him company.

"Jin! NO!" Tony and Hammer shrieked, jumping in front of the angry swordsman, seizing his arms.

"You have to help us!" Tony argued before Jin could do something illegal. "The Gnosis are attacking and Allen is acting like an idiot! You've **got** to do something!"

"An idiot?" Jin lowered his sword. "Allen?"

"Yes!" Hammer nodded his head frantically up and down. "We require your mighty assistance! You must come up top to the Elsa and help us!"

Jin pondered for a moment, and then looked down at Shion, who was still laughing hysterically. Frowning, he plucked his wooden sandal from his foot and chucked it at Shion's head.

"AHAHAHA-OUCH!"

"**Now** I'll help you."

…Jin's got genes. Jin's got genes. (Huzzah)

"This is horrible!" Gaignun wailed as he stared at all the dead bodies in the hallway. "These people…They all **worked **for me!" Bottom lip trembling, Gaignun turned to the melancholy Assistant Scott, the Professor, and his beloved Bertha.

"It sounds like there are noises coming up from the Bridge…" the Professor pointed out.

"Ah! That must be Mary and Shelley, here to save my day!" Gaignun exclaimed and wandered onto the lift that took him to the bridge. "Ohhhhh MAR…Um…"

Everyone watched as Gaignun immediately came back down on the lift and shuffled back out to the others, his face as white as a sheet.

"Blood. Lots of blood." And then Master Gaignun Kukai fainted.

"PANSY!" The Professor kicked the unconscious form of Gaignun and stomped onto the lift.

"Professor!" Bertha hollered. "Don't be a hero!"

"I HOPE YOU DIE!" Assistant Scott screamed at the Professor as the lift went up to the Bridge and he flipped him the 'no-no' finger.

"That stupid Assistant Scott," the Professor muttered. "He's so **worthless!**"

But the Professor was greeted by **insanely evil** background music, blood dripping from the ceiling, floating heads with no bottom jaws, and zombie arms protruding through the walls. Looking ahead, the Professor was horrified by the sight before him.

Spinning on the top of a cyclone of blood was a throne lined by skeleton bones and skulls and an evil figure sat upon it, wearing a cape of crimson with a hood over his head and a skull crown on top. His face was concealed…for reasons.

'_Estuans interius_

_ira vehementi_

_Estuans interius_

_ira vehementi_

_Sephiroth_

_Sephiroth'_

"…" The Professor blinked behind his ridiculously large spectacles.

"WELCOME TO MY GODLY LAIR!" chaos bellowed, standing up from his throne and stepping across the surface of his cyclone of oozing dark red blood. "I AM YOUR NEW LEADER!"

"…" The Professor turned to leave.

"HEY! YOU CAN'T LEAVE!" chaos Troll Danced before the Professor as zombie hands reached out from the door, blocking the Professor's path.

'_Estuans interius_

_ira vehementi_

_Estuans interius_

_ira vehementi_

_Sephiroth_

_Sephiroth'_

"BWAHAHAHA! What shall a **weakling** like you do now?"

Nervous, the Professor turned around…

…and then smiled.

"My ultimate hero! The Erde Kaiser! Appear before me!"

Some old time theme like…Power Rangers or something…began to play proudly and strongly in the background as a mech materialized in the middle of the room, bare at first, and then swirling colors enveloped it as assorted parts assembled itself to make the ultimate hero! The Erde Kaiser!

chaos observed the near twenty-foot mech standing before him, swinging swords and scythes and dancing and stuff, before finally striking a pose.

Vogue.

A sneer curled at chaos' lips until it broke wide and exposed pearly white teeth.

"You dare insult me with a toy?"

At such an uncalled for remark, the Professor's shoulders slumped.

"Well I thought it was a cool hero." Then he jumped back to his normal posture. "Nonsense! What do you know? This is the Erde Kaiser! My ultimate hero!" Clasping his hands together, the Professor stared up at his 'hero.' "Go my super hero! Save me from this predicament! I beg you!"

"Fighting inside of a Bridge?" chaos shook his head. "Completely unsafe. Haven't you even considered what may happen if that tin can smashes a window?"

"My hero will save me!"

More swirling colors and dancing from the Erde Kaiser.

"I sneer at your can opener." And then chaos leapt high from his throne on his blood cyclone and pounced on the Erde Kaiser. "NINJA EVIL TOUCH!"

"Erde Kaiser! Impeccable Slashing Damage!" The Professor was excited now, jumping up and down with his fists balled together. The Erde Kaiser instantly began to demonstrate its excellent sword swishing abilities in efforts to please its master. But chaos was like a gecko, unable to be shaken from his mighty grip as the platinum impassive destroyer of all crawled along the Erde Kaiser's back like a spider, hissing and baring fangs.

The invincible hero, randomly swinging its sword, was only successful in destroying what flotsam had been left within the room of acidic blood.

"That's right, my invincible hero! Swing at everything! You'll get him off eventually! Go, my Erde Kaiser!"

"FIEL MAH WRATH!" chaos lunged on top of the Erde Kaiser's head and STABBED HIS DAGGER-LIKE-NAILS into the sides of the mech's temples, performing the NINJA EVIL TOUCH!

Continuing to swing in ultimate pain, the Erde Kaiser tumbled forward, thundering to the ground like a fallen tree, and all of its invincibleness melted away into nothing.

The Professor, watching his invincible hero liquefy away into failure, crossed his arms and muttered, "It must've been a malfunction."

"Ahahahaha!" chaos stood victorious above the remains of the 'invincible hero,' his arms outstretched. "What shall save you now?"

The Professor frowned and stepped back. Without the power of friendship, he could never be able to summon…

Ah who was he kidding? He didn't need the power of Assistant Scott! It was just a friggin' malfunction! He'd fix it when he got back to the lab.

chaos stalked towards him now, grinning with that skull crown on his head. How the Professor despised that skull crown. He had always wanted a skull crown **and** to rule the world ever since he was a little kid!

"I will digest you!" chaos' voice rang out. "Then I will bathe in your blood! And with your body, I will hook it up to a hose and use more of your blood to water my garden! AND THEN! With the remainder of your blood, I will put it into ice trays, freeze it, and make Popsicles!"

The Professor was suddenly growing uncomfortable as chaos invaded his personal space of three feet.

Digestion didn't sound like much fun.

"What do you hear?" Gaignun asked Bertha who had been listening to the clamor on the Bridge.

"I think…I think…The Professor is in trouble!" Bertha wailed and turned to Master Gaignun. "We must do **something!**"

At this time, the reader should know that while the Gnosis are attacking, Assistant Scott is enjoying himself at the Iron Man.

Slumped over the counter with no one to serve him (hence, the bartender was killed by the Gnosis and everyone else who is remotely important to the Iron Man, has evacuated) was Assistant Scott. Stuck to his side devotedly was the TALK TO ME pink bug that he had somehow managed to highjack while shuffling miserably to the bar.

Assistant Scott, downing his twenty-two and a half shot glass of Wild Turkey, whiskey, and exclusive Skyy Vodka, turned to his solitary company of…a plastic pink bug…thing.

"Bottoms up," he slurred, stealing the shot glass from the pink bug that he had set in front of the plastic toy earlier and quickly slurping it.

"Dear Lord, how embarrassing. Even for a **human.**"

"Huh?" Assistant Scott turned to look in all directions, the sounds of blood curdling screams and Gnosis trouncing oblivious to him as he sought out the voice that had dared to mock him in his time of misery. "Who was that?"

"It was **me,** you idiot."

"What? Who's there?" Tripping on the back of the stool, Assistant Scott toppled to the ground, giving the pink TALK TO ME bug a decent butt shot.

"Oh, won't that be a keeper." Isn't it obvious by now that it's the pink bug talking to us? "Here, say 'cheese.'"

"Cheese?" Assistant Scott slurred, his voice becoming absorbed into the wooden floor. "Where?"

After a quick flash, a revealing shot of the 'moon' was developed, with two long legs.

"It's the 'Big S,' the Devil, isn't it?" the drunkard cried. "Stealing souls and stuff!" Staggering to his feet, Assistant Scott began to swat at everything. "Well, you won't get mine!"

"Tom, please help me. Humans are weird. They're unkind, they refuse to feed me, and this one is just plain ugly." Shivering, the pink TALK TO ME bug tried to appear invisible.

…That is until Assistant Scott, in a drunken stupor, toppled to the ground again, taking the poor bug with him.

"Help!" cried the bug.

"We must do something!" Bertha gruffly grabbed Gaignun's shoulders, and began to violently shake him. "He's my **lover** after all!"

"Hey…where did that nerdy assistant run off to?" Gaignun questioned, attempting to change the subject.

…It didn't work.

"Aha, Allen! We've got you now!" Hammer jumped forward, swinging his hands through the air as though he were swatting flies.

Miyuki and KOS-MOS, still massaging Allen's feet, simply stared at the 'heroes'. Brutus and Clyde remained by Allen's side, while Allen just smiled.

"That's right Allen," Shion huffed, arching forward. "My brother's here and together, we will **stop** you!"

Jin, appearing from outside the shadows, stood, holding his katana, looking at Allen with contempt.

It was then that Allen sat up straight and motioned for his slaves to cease massaging his nasty feet. Stepping down from off his throne, Allen gave a grave look, and spoke solemnly.

"J-Jin? Shion's…brother?"

"That's right," Jin answered smugly and gestured to behind Allen. "Nice stage you got there and…" then, pointing to a half naked Jr. "…stripper. Did you get that all yourself?"

"…I…I did."

"Good."

"All right, Jin," Shion grinned. "Show him your true strength." Wait…isn't Shion being too nice to her brother? Yeah. She must be using him.

"J-Jin!" Allen's bottom lip quivered. "Why must you and I fight? We've known each other for such a long time!"

Suddenly, Shion tensed. The Captain, Tony, and Hammer all saw this.

"You…You've known…Allen?" the Vector woman dared to ask.

"Ch. Of course!" Jin said as a matter-of-factly. "He and I used to be karaoke club participants! Still, I must say that you always had me beat, Allen."

Unexpectedly, Allen smiled. "No, no, Jin. You're so modest. It was **you** who taught me everything I know now." Then, a brilliant idea struck him, "Say! Why don't you and I do a number like way back when! Whaddya say?"

"What…?" Shion and the Elsa Crew dared to breathe.

"Well…if you insist." And with intense speed, Jin ripped off his robes and tossed them over his shoulder. Now standing in extra tan baggy jeans tightened with a belt around his lower midsection (revealing pink boxers with money signs all over them), wooden sandals, lots o' bling-bling, a checkered purple shirt underneath a red thin jacket, large purple sunglasses, a red cap tipped to the side, and a hand decorated in rings, Jin waddled to the front, and stood in front of Allen. Slapping his hand across his chest, he said, "Man, you ain't changed no bit. You still the same cool guy I sang Pretty Woman with back in our karaoke days!"

"Now that's what I'M talking about!" Allen laughed, giving his friend a high-five.

"Oh no, this can't be happening," Shion muttered, curling up in fetal position and rocking back and forth.

"Brutus! Clyde!" Jin commanded to Allen's bodyguards.

"Yes Master Jin?" they responded in echo.

"Take my sister and her homies and make them real comfortable."

"Homies?" Captain Matthews frowned, irritated. "I ain't no 'HOMIE.'"

"With pleasure," Clyde snickered, cracking his knuckles.

From on the table, Jr. nearly began to cry and looked for something to slit his wrists with…like a paper towel or something. KOS-MOS said nothing as Miyuki pulled the hair from her head.

So much for Shion's 'rescue' attempt.

"Come on, MOMO," Ziggy gently pushed her along. "We'll consult Captain Matthews about this."

Just as the two entered on board the Elsa, they were nearly taken down by the blasting of music and the abrupt shaking of the ship, like an earthquake.

"What the heck?" Ziggy muttered, grabbing MOMO's hand and holding his other against the wall to steady himself. "It sounds like a party! Don't they know what's going on?" Slowly edging to the first cabin, Ziggy opened it, only to find two grown men flopping around like idiots on a stage, Jr. in the background dancing, and KOS-MOS, Miyuki, Shion, and the Elsa Crew gathered around the table being forced to watch the performance by two large bodyguards.

"Ziggy," MOMO shifted uneasily.

Upon the stage, Jin and Allen were having a grand old time.

"_Put da butter in da fry-yan pan_

_Watch da butter sizzle all ov-ah_

_Slip in da sausage and stir it all around_

_Beddah do it fast else you'll be wearing a frown…"_

"Dear Nephilim, Allen," Ziggy shook his head. "Those have to be some of the worst lyrics I've ever heard."

The music cut to an abrupt stop and all attention turned to the Cyborg and the Realian.

"…" Ziggy said nothing as he gazed at a half naked Jr. behind the duo, and Shion and the others gathered around the table.

"Cyborg!" Allen shouted, jumping down from the stage and walking past his throne. "How dare you intrude on our good time!"

"Allen, have you bothered to take notice of the premises outside these enclosed walls? In case you haven't, allow me to inform you: the Elsa, Durandal, and Kukai Foundation are being overrun by **Gnosis.**"

"Man, that ain't nothing to be worried about." Allen responded.

Ziggy instantly felt the urge to string Allen up by his kidneys. After being taken hostage by the Professor, being **forced** to a wedding that only resulted in disaster, and having to listen to a detailed description made by the Professor about his nude drawings of Bertha on the ship, while Ziggy used one hand to protect MOMO's virgin ears and held the other on the controls to drive, undoubtedly the Cyborg had begun to feel less benign.

"Allen, you'll have plenty of time to rap later," Ziggy said through gritted teeth. "**Much** later."

Then a grin cracked at Allen's face, "**Say!** Why don't **you** two help me out here?"

"No." And that was Ziggy's final answer.

Frowning, Allen snapped his fingers and Brutus and Clyde stalked over to their master's side. Preparing himself to fight, Ziggy assumed his offensive stance, but was overtaken by surprise when both burly bodyguards reached for the 100-Series Realian behind him and held MOMO at their sides.

"Stop it!" she shrieked, struggling. "Let me go!"

Ziggy lurched forward, arm outstretched, but Allen stood in the way.

"'No,' is never the correct answer, Cyborg."

Ziggy turned to Shion, who was frantically mouthing something that looked like 'wear a dress.' Wait…wear a dress? No, no, it was 'do as he says.' Frowning, he looked up at Jr., who had the same affirmation held in his eyes. Why? Just…why? How could the whole **team** be overthrown by a loser like Allen? Especially KOS-MOS! Wasn't her specialty in terminating monsters? Well…maybe calling Allen a 'monster' was too much, but in Ziggy's ire state, nothing mattered. And now he had MOMO!

"…What are your demands, Allen?" the Cyborg questioned, tired from all these pointless games.

"Aha! I **knew** you'd see it my way!" Pivoting on his back heel, Allen snapped his fingers again and Clyde quickly tugged on a thick robe on the left side of the room. A large cage was lowered by a strong chain and hung suspended in the air next to Allen's throne. "Toss her into the cage, just to make sure he doesn't change his mind."

Ziggy became alert as MOMO was thrown into the metal cage and the door was locked behind her.

"Allen!" Ziggy jerked his head to him. "There won't **be** an agreement if she is hurt, do you understand that?"

"Of course, of course," Allen replied as he rotated his wrist in a circular manner twice. "But I just had to make sure that you kept your end of the bargain." The rope was again pulled on and the cage was elevated higher, out of Ziggy's reach.

MOMO sniffled as she curled up on the floor of the cage and watched everyone below.

Growling, Ziggy again asked Allen for his pointless demands.

"It's simple, really," Allen said. "You're going to join us in mine and Jin's band." The 'rapper' extended a hand to his older partner and Shion groaned.

Diverting his gaze between the two, Ziggy finally said, "I can't dance. And I can't sing."

"**Can't** is **such** a rude word!" Allen said loudly as he walked past Ziggy and to a closet located nearest to the bunk beds on the side of the room. "We're **going** to be the Trio Testosterone. We can't have you looking like such a commoner, now can we?"

Ziggy nearly gagged and **that** was a feat. "…W-What?" His face immediately turned to Jr. "But I thought that he was in your band!"

Allen halted, looked to Jr., and sneered. "**Him?** I'm sorry, Cyborg, but no one wants to see **him** in the Trio Testosterone." At the sudden snapping of Allen's fingers, the enthusiastic crowd began to pelt Little Master with chairs, furniture, and whatever else they were going to use against Miyuki earlier.

"See?" Allen smiled. And I mean **smiled.**

"Allen, I pray to God that you _honestly_ don't intend to call yourselves the 'Trio Testosterone.' It sounds so…vulgar."

"That's because your mind is in the gutter, Cyborg!" Allen resumed rummaging through the closet. "Ah! I have the most **perfect** thing for you!" And Allen held up something gaudy.

"…Curse that Life Preservation Act…" Ziggy muttered, slapping himself in the forehead.

"I said GET UP!" Gaignun leaned forward and pulled an intoxicated Assistant Scott to his feet, just to have him topple over again. "It's **your** duty to save him!"

"Nooooow…whoooo was it yoooou wanted foooor…me…toooooo…" Assistant Scott's head fell forward, slurring his words. "…save againnn?"

"Stop your incoherentness!" Gaignun snapped, making up his own words. "Even if that isn't a word, I'm the Director and the Dictator of this Foundation and I say **get!**" Booting the sloth from his place next to the counter, Gaignun immediately tilted his head, staring at the abducted pink TALK TO ME bug. Then, pointing an accusing finger, "Was it **you** who stole this?"

"Maaaybe. Can't remember."

Gaignun frowned and turned to Bertha, his eyes pleading. "Can't **you** do something?"

Pausing, Bertha reached into her pocket and withdrew a bag full of sand. Dumping it out onto the ground, she began to build a sand castle. "Like this?"

"…"

The randomness of these people.

So the pink TALK TO ME BUG took a picture to recapture the moment. Yay.

Gaignun just gruffly grabbed Assistant Scott by the neck and dragged him from the bar.

"Allen…I look ridiculous." Ziggy stepped into the light for show, revealing a red beret, dark sunglasses, several gold chains around his neck and a white tank top over his usual navy uniform that had a big yellow happy face on it. Underneath it, in the same colored big bold letters, read 'Have A Nice Day.' Since nothing much could be added to the style of cybernetic engineering, Allen had just wrapped a big yellow towel around one of Ziggy's metal legs.

"Ridiculous?" Allen was offended. "Ex_CUSE_ me? I just made you the _new_ **you!** I have **wonderful** taste in clothes!"

Ziggy frowned, ready to throw all of these absurd garments to the floor. But then he looked to MOMO, still locked in the cage, who was pleading with him to just play along. Sighing, Ziggy said nothing…for the Realian's sake.

"Now then!" Allen shoved some paper in front of Ziggy. "These are our lyrics to our **newest** and **latest** song…"

"Does it have to do with frying pans?" Ziggy interrupted, referring back to their earlier song.

"NO."

Jin, who had been silent the whole time, gestured to Jr. "He's gonna be our backup dancer, just in case one of us falls and breaks something important."

"In that case, wouldn't you change the name to the Quadruple Testosterone?" Ziggy suggested, not much liking the name altogether.

"NO!" Allen screamed. "That just takes out the appealing quality of it! The name stays the same and Jr. is just a stunt! Got it?"

Sighing again, Ziggy unhappily followed Allen and Jin onto the stage.

"All right!" Allen clapped for himself. "We're just going to do a little practicing here before going on the air!"

The entire room (except for the obvious Shion and her very unhappy 'homies') burst out into cheers. Not a single 'boo' was articulated in the audience. Stupid Allen.

"Now Cyborg," Allen pointed to the paper in Ziggy's hands. "You just read all the lyrics from off that there paper and dance a little too, will ya? Okay! Let's rock!"

"Someone kill me…" Ziggy mumbled, burying his face in the paper.

"This first song I dedicate to Captain Matthews, who saved the Chief and I way back when!" The spotlight moved to the back of the room and shone on an unhappy Captain, whose face was buried in his hands on the table. "I love you Captain Matthews in a completely hateful way!"

"Huh?" the Captain halfway looked up.

"_Captain Matthews lives in a trashcan with bugs and dirty underwear_

_Captain Matthews is a homeless guy with a moustache and a beard_

_Captain Matthews reeks of undying odor and is always in debt…"_

Suddenly, Allen cut the music and whirled around to Ziggy.

"Cyborg! Your voice is flat and you're not even dancing! Moving your feet from side to side is a **horrible** dance! You're making us sound bad!"

"I told you already, _Allen_, I can't dance **or **sing." the blue eyes of the Cyborg narrowed. "This was _your_ idea."

"Well…Couldn't you at _least_ try to sound enthusiastic about this? We still have the 100-Series, you know…" Snapping his fingers, Brutus and Clyde began to beat sticks against the cage, frightening MOMO even more.

"All right!" Ziggy quickly agreed. "All right already! Just tell them to stop!"

Captain Matthews wanted to cry. Allen was making fun of him. And he couldn't do anything about it. It just wasn't fair.

"So, have you learned your lesson?" Gaignun tapped his foot impatiently against the tile of the floor, standing in front of the lift that would take him and his motley crew to the Bridge.

"You know…the toilet scrubber therapy was really uncalled for. Things like that aren't supposed to go down your throat." Assistant Scott fingered the white cast taped around his neck. "You could've killed me you know."

"Enough complaining!" Gaignun grabbed Assistant Scott and threw him onto the lift and pressed the 'up' button. "You go and reclaim my Foundation or I'll give you **more** than a toilet scrubber therapy."

Disturbing thoughts were triggered in Assistant Scott's mind and he quickly curled into the corner of the lift. He was swiftly hauled up to the Bridge, poking his two index fingers together, and then flung to the ground when the lift halted immediately and quickly departed back to the floor below. Ah, behold the lift of cowardice.

"Stupid lift!" Assistant Scott screamed, punching a fist into the air, staring after the elevator that had abandoned him. Sighing, he turned…

…and nearly died from a random heart attack.

His mentor…master…and beloved Professor…was sprawled out on the floor, face down, floating heads dancing above his lifeless form.

"No! Professor!" Assistant Scott dashed over to the broken body of the Professor, shooing the heads away, and gathered the feeble old man up into his arms.

Blood trickling down the side of the Professor's wrinkled old lips, the wizened man remained still, his eyes closed behind his goofy large spectacles.

"Hey!" Assistant Scott abruptly shouted up into the sky. "This is supposed to be a **lamenting** moment, **thank** you!"

Uh…yes. Lamenting. Right. Aeris' theme from Final Fantasy VII is playing in the background (Is it just me or does Final Fantasy VII have all the music we can think of that are perfect necessities for different moody scenes?). Or Alice's theme from Shadow Hearts…which I don't own either.

"Professor," Assistant Scott shook him by the shoulders, his face crestfallen. "Professor, can you hear me?"

The Professor remained unresponsive, his relaxed body feeling like Jell-o in Assistant Scott's arms.

"HEY!" Assistant Scott shouted again.

Oh yes. And I do not own Jell-o.

"Oh my gosh, this is **never** going to strike a tear with the readers if the Narrator goes on like this." the poor Assistant Scott sobbed.

Apparently, Assistant Scott (and erif, for that matter. And erif's name does not deserve to be capitalized. So lowercase it is!) did not see the genre for this story. It says **humor**, not angst.

"Then why don't you just WHISK him back to life?" the blonde assistant flared.

…

…

…

Suddenly, a Phoenix Down fell from the sky, striking Assistant Scott in the head.

"SONOFA…" His arms dropped the Professor's body back to the ground (who landed with a large crash) and fled to his wounded head.

Regaining his senses and losing some brain cells, Assistant Scott retrieved the bottle and glanced at it.

"…You steal everything from everyone," he muttered sourly.

Yes. Yes I know that.

But anyway, back to the lamentation.

Grabbing the Professor behind his old head, Assistant Scott stared down at his friend, his eyes watering with tears. "Professor, you were the only one who ever really cared about me. You took me in when I had gambled away all of my rent and struck out at the Booze Drinking Competition and shamed my entire family. Despite all of the hard times we have gone through, you…You were like a father to me. If I lost you now, there would be no point in going on. After all you've taught me and shown to me, I feel confident enough that I can go on and become a real man…And perhaps one day sidestep back to the Iron Man for that Booze Drinking Competition."

Ahem. (Glances at watch) We **are** pressed for time you know.

Glaring heavenwards, Assistant Scott concluded, "So please…don't die on me. If there really are miracles, please let them work now…"

Assistant Scott set the Professor back on the ground and began to force the cork off from the bottle, twisting and pulling, all in vain. Finally irritated, he grabbed both ends and drew force outwards…strangely enough…only succeeding in ripping the glass apart. All of the crimson liquid from inside the bottle poured to the ground, now utterly useless to both Assistant Scott and his deceased friend.

"…My luck doesn't seem to be improving," the blonde man muttered incoherently.

For the love of Vash the Stampede! You are **such** a nuisance!

A light appeared overhead, spreading as it came nearer to the ground, heavenly stars, small angels, and harmonious music eloping the background as its holiness shone brightly over the Professor. Quickly snatching the Professor back into his arms, Assistant Scott looked down towards the old man, watching as the blood disappeared from his chin and a new life was restored back into him.

"Professor?" the assistant whispered, unsure of whether or not the Narrator had truly been gracious enough to restore life back into the decrepit man.

"…Assistant Scott…" the raspy voice of the Professor perked up the younger man's ears. "…Did you mean it? Everything you said?"

Wiping away a stream of warm tears, Assistant Scott sniffled, unable to hold back a smile. "Professor…you're alive…"

"Well?"

Bursting with gratitude, Assistant Scott grabbed the old man brusquely and pulled him into a hug.

"I'm so relieved!" the assistant wailed.

"Gah! Bones…crushed beneath…youth of…younger generation…"

"I thought I would never see you again!" Assistant Scott's eyes welling with tears again and his nose runny, like a child's.

"You bonehead! Let me go! I just only now got back into this old, miserable life!"

"I'm so sorry, Professor. I know that you were just doing everything out of love for me. I understand that now. When you didn't want me to marry Gloria, it was because you were looking out for my own best interest."

The Professor stiffened, "Um…yeah, that's right…Uh…best interest…"

But now…back to the matters at hand.

chaos, who had been watching from above on his throne perched upon his cyclone of human blood, laughed. Still, the cloak attached to his lovely cape with the skull crown on top hid his face from Assistant Scott and the Professor.

"What a **worthless** display of sentiment that was! Two friends who love and adore each other. It makes me sick with disgust!"

"That fiend!" the Professor pointed a raggedy finger at the mass murderer. "He has overthrown my Invincible Hero!" Turning to his partner and so-called 'son,' the Professor said, "Assistant Scott! We must vanquish him with the power of friendship! It is what will triumph over all, just like in the movies and video games!"

"You're right, Professor," Assistant Scott replied, determination filling him. "Let us summon the Erde Kaiser together!"

Performing some sort of nonsensical dance and twirling in circles, the Professor began to chant something in some…kind…of gibberish language. Assistant Scott began to wave his arms about, staring hard at chaos. chaos arose from his throne, horrified.

"What? What on earth are you two doing?" chaos cried, grabbing for the arms of his throne made of human bones. "Have you both gone **mad?**"

"Erde Kaiser!" both scientists echoed in perfect unison, and with more swirling colors, 'imperative' sword-swishing, and powerful music (Let's do Emergy's theme from s.CRY.ed this time, shall we?), the form of the Erde Kaiser reappeared in front of chaos, standing proud and tall.

"With the power of friendship…" Assistant Scott began.

"…We cannot fail!" And the Professor and Assistant Scott struck some kind of DBZ fusion pose.

More dancing and sword flinging from the Erde Kaiser…

"…I don't have time for this," chaos furrowed his brows together and slashed his arm through the air.

The blood tsunami rose up from both sides of the Erde Kaiser and devoured the mech instantly.

The music…just halted. The nonsensical dancing, chanting of gibberish, and swirling colors…Yeah, those stopped too.

Assistant Scott and the Professor blinked and stared at where their 'Invincible Hero' used to stand.

The Professor frowned. "The power of friendship my butt! It was a friggin' malfunction!"

"King Allen!" Clyde focused the lights on an enthusiastic Allen, a grinning Jin, and a very unhappy Ziggy. Jr. was in the background, dancing effortlessly since he was ordered to and not to stop until Allen said. "The stage is set! In just a matter of two minutes, you'll be on the air and the entire galaxy will be able to hear your divine singing!"

"Divine?" Shion muttered from the back of the room, "Oh puh-leeeze."

Ziggy stared down at the new sheet of paper Allen had thrown at him and then averted his gaze to MOMO, who was returning his stare, her small hands grasping the metal bars.

He vowed to have her out of her prison soon enough…even _if_ Allen didn't come to his senses.

"It's **glorious!**" Allen crowed, his crowd clapping for him. HIM! **He** was popular! "My fellow adorers! I welcome you to our concert, constructed by the Trio Testosterone! I, myself, am King Allen! Lord of our scrumptious band!" More clapping. "I will start us off tonight with one of my personal favorites, "King Allen."

"Of course he'd name a song after himself," Ziggy mumbled, glancing over the lyrics.

"This one's for you, Richard!" Allen bellowed, holding his arm out high.

"Who's Richard?" Tony whispered to Hammer, who just shrugged.

"A past lover, I guess," the Navigator replied monotonously.

…Um…Yeah…Whatever Hammer.

Allen signaled for his band to begin.

"_Once I was a loser_

_Or so they said to me_

_Mom and dad were embarrassed_

_Of the son they had conceived…"_

Ziggy eventually stopped singing. This was a **joke!** What kind of lyrics were these? They were horrendous! Representative Helmer himself could probably write better lyrics. Holding his hands to his bleeding ears, Ziggy turned, his eyes glaring at Jr., who was dancing like there was no tomorrow…under force, of course.

Slowly slipping away from Jin and 'King' Allen, Ziggy edged towards Jr., and then grabbed him fiercely by the scruff of the neck. Immediately becoming limp under his grasp, Jr. glanced up at the seething Cyborg.

"All right, you little punk. I heard about what you did to MOMO and if you want to live to see another birthday, you'll do what I tell you." The redhead nodded, silent. "Since I'm stuck here on this stupid stage, I'm going to leave it to you to sneak past Allen's bodyguards and get MOMO down from that cage. Got it?"

"Aye, aye, Chief," Jr. agreed and Ziggy set him back on the ground. Gesturing his head to the back of the stage, Jr. crept away and Ziggy walked back to center stage.

"This is it, Professor," Assistant Scott sniffled, clutching the elderly man. chaos strolled closer, his long finger nails extending towards them.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be a better surrogate father to you Assistant Scott!" the Professor cried into his assistant's shirt, most of his words becoming absorbed in the fabric. "I hope you'll find it in you to forgive me!"

And then…unexpectedly…

"_I was used and abused_

_Gram and Gramps couldn't see_

_Those haters called my 'friends'_

_Wanted me gone from the family tree…"_

Windows shattered around the bridge, the blood tsunamis becoming frightened and shriveling away into nothing before getting pulled out into space…lost forever. The cyclone of human blood exploded and the throne of bones disintegrated into dust and all was dragged into the abyss of space. Poor chaos.

"What the?" chaos cried, watching as his throne room was being drawn out of the Bridge. "How can this be?"

"What is this terrible music?" Assistant Scott clamped his hands over his ears, as did the Professor, and they continued to observe the catastrophe, the suction growing stronger.

"Assistant Scott!" the Professor wailed. "You must escape from this place!"

"No! I will not leave you behind!" Assistant Scott then removed one hand, struggling against the cyclone of wind, reaching out for his dear Professor. "Take my hand!"

"Alas! I cannot!" the Professor shook his old head. "You must go on without me!"

"I…I can't fail…!" chaos fought against the suction, his feet rising from the floor. "No! I will rule all! I…I will…I will…AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" his voice echoed throughout the room as he was carried away into the depths of space, along with his blood cyclones.

"This is the end, Professor!" Assistant Scott sobbed. "I'm so glad to have known you…"

"Me too, Assistant Scott. Me too."

Awww…how touching.

Then the lift rose to the top, carrying an angry Gaignun.

"You fools!" the Director raged, grabbing the two boneheads by the collars of their shirts. "While you work under me, I do **not** give you permission to die! Now get on and let's get out of here!"

"_But now I'm on top of the rock_

_I'll knock the socks_

_Right off of your feet_

_You're in for a treat…"_

Ziggy watched Jr. out from the corner of his eye, while pretending to sing Allen's stupid 'rap' from the lyric sheet. The U.R.T.V. crept around the room, clinging to walls like some sort of secret agent, jumping underneath tables and then performing somersaults to the next table. Leaping out from underneath another table, he did a sloppy cartwheel to Allen's throne, and then looked upwards to the stage.

Ziggy slapped himself in the forehead and sighed. What an idiot.

But there was something even more amazing (if that's **really** what you want to call it) about Allen's rap than his voice just breaking windows and destroying the most evil platinum villain in all the land. Yes. The Gnosis did not like Allen's singing either. Not one little bit.

"_Now Allen's grown up_

_He ain't no pitiful shmuck_

_Like Shion and Miyuki called him before_

_He's an intellectual pup!"_

Great. Now Allen's a dog. He just couldn't think of a word that rhymed with 'up' and make him sound cool at the same time. Anyway…

The shrill cries of the Gnosis echoed throughout the halls of all three ships (Well technically, the Foundation is a **large** ship…maybe…) the singing damaging their hearing immensely. And that's not all. The poor Gnosis began to explode. That's right. Allen's singing made them explode into a pile of feathers. Not guts or gore like chaos' Ninja Evil Touch. They exploded into a great big pile of feathers. Like I said before: poor Gnosis.

Allen began head banging, (strangely enough, his crown and beret staying on his head as though it had been stuck there with superglue) waving his arms around, and the crowd went wild.

"_Cause I'm a player!_

_I'm a player!_

_That's right, I'm a player!_

_Shion, you can't touch this…"_

Licking his finger, Allen pointed to his 'pecs,' (Allen has pecs?) and hissed seductively…or at least attempted to.

"I wish the Gnosis would eat Allen," Tony told his companions as he watched Jin and Allen jump around like buffoons on the stage. Ziggy, holding his face in his hands, just sat down on the stage, annoyed.

"We have to find the others!" Assistant Scott told Gaignun as he started down the hall. Then he stopped at the sight of feathers barricading their path.

"…Master Gaignun…" the young blonde blinked. "I thought you banned pillow fighting ever since that one snagged your…"

"SILENCE!"

"Oh…Oh all right."

And so ends the reign of the Gnosis. Allen took a final bow and then looked up as the lights came back on and his song ended.

Jr. blinked as silence enveloped the room and he quickly grabbed the stick from Clyde's hand, pole vaulting himself up onto the cage and landing successfully, sprawled out across the top.

"Jr.!" MOMO clasped her hands together.

"Hold on, MOMO!" Jr. told the young girl. "I'll have you out before you can say 'Allen's rap sucked.'"

"What?" Allen jumped up and down. "Clyde! Brutus! Help me!"

Ziggy suddenly jumped to his feet, pushed Allen to the ground and held his fist out to the air. "Executioner!" he shouted, a large bladed pendulum dropping to the ground and eliminating Clyde and Brutus. He figured that their deaths were necessary since they were hindering him in his mission. Besides, as he had said before, the only thing to worry about in battles were things like numbers and stuff. So there. It's justified.

"No! My bodyguards!" Allen crumpled to his knees, crying.

Just then, the last two Gnosis stumbled in, their heads swollen from the horrendous singing, and they exploded into a pile of feathers, smothering everything.

Days later, everything was back to normal. That's right. Back to normal. Allen decided to quit the rapping business (especially since now he knew that he was outnumbered and it was that time of the month for Shion), despite his fans' pleading. Jr. was given the authority of running the Durandal back to him (Since those documents hadn't been legalized and the big burly man was dead anyway) by Gaignun, who scolded him sternly, commenting on what a miserable example he had set for his younger brother and everyone else upon the Foundation and Durandal. Despite the deaths of Mary and Shelley, the show had to go on.

"MOMO," Jr. stopped the Realian in the hall and she turned to face him, still upset over what he had done. "Hey," He started, rubbing the back of his neck as he stalled his movement. "I…um…"

"What?" her eyes narrowed, almost annoyed.

"I…want to apologize…" his eyes drifted down the hall where a large shadow was hiding behind the corner. A Cyborg hand was punching into the open palm of a human one. "I want to apologize," Jr. repeated hastily now, "for acting the way I did the other day and so…I have this for you." He held up the good luck charm he had given her and then had carelessly gambled away.

MOMO wasn't convinced, "How do I know you won't gamble it away again?"

Jr. looked back up at the darkening shadow. The human hand was now clutching a ragged doll made from a pillowcase and the Cyborg hand was tightening a noose latched around its neck.

"Believe me," he said, glancing down back to her. "I promise. I'm a changed man. I would never act so recklessly again. And I…I went to all the trouble of getting you these too…" Reaching into his pants pocket, he withdrew a dark box and handed it to her.

"Chocolates?" she questioned, blinking.

"You don't like them?"

"No, no!" MOMO shook her head. "That's not it. I love them! But…"

"Please forgive me MOMO!" Jr. cried, getting down on his knees and begging, still holding the box of chocolates and good luck charm in his hands. "I need to know that you've forgiven me or I'll never be able to live with myself!"

Awww…he looked so cute like that! (Maybe.)

"Oh, of course I forgive you Jr.!" MOMO threw her arms around the boy's neck. "You're so sweet!"

Ziggy stood in the background, watching Jr. carefully. For his sake, he had _better_ have been a changed man.

Assistant Scott worked on cleaning up the pile of feathers in the lab while the Professor sat at the U.M.N terminal, reading e-mails and stuff.

Then he fell backwards out of his chair.

"Professor!" Assistant Scott cried with worry, helping the old man to his feet. "What's the matter? Did Bertha leave you too?"

"No, you fool!" the Professor swatted his hand away. "I sent her on a well deserved vacation. "This is **much** worse!" And he pointed to the screen.

Assistant Scott turned and gasped. On the screen was a man, who looked **exactly** like the Professor, Troll Dancing. A large black Erde Kaiser was behind him, holding scythes, knives, swords, and a toaster to a sky illuminated by lightning.

"Gasp! Professor! That must be your twin brother!"

"Oh, don't be stupid!" the Professor snorted. "Twin cousin maybe. But **look!** That's the Dark Professor! With the Dark Erde Kaiser!"

"Oh no, Professor!" his assistant wailed. "Will he take over the universe with it?"

The Professor staggered to his feet, "Yeah right. I was just taken aback by his new hair style. Look. He dyed his hair red."

Assistant Scott pondered about this, "The Professor with red hair. Breathtaking indeed."

"And **then** he might take over the universe!"

Lightning crashed in the sky.

"OH NO!" Followed by more wailing.

"You know, this isn't so bad," Wilhelm commented, watching his Vector Company become consumed in flames. "Yeshua was probably just having a bad day."

"Yeshua?" Virgil whispered to Albedo who just shrugged and continued to drive himself and the other two away on his scooter.

"Besides," Wilhelm sat on the back of the scooter, his eyes still attached to the burning company. "I still have the Testaments. Kevin will be able to help me. Or Voyager."

"Or me," Virgil barely raised a hand.

"Or Virgil." Still mesmerized by the intense flames, "Yeah, that sounds good."

Albedo rolled his eyes. No one _ever_ needed his help. What a bunch of nerds.

"Please Chief!" Allen cried, begging for Shion to forgive him. "Look, it was a mid-life crisis thing! I promise I'm over it now! **Please!**"

"Go away, Allen!" she shouted, stomping out of the room. He sighed, slumping over. No one would talk to him now. Captain Matthews even said that he if **saw** Allen step onto the Bridge, he would take his movable chair, crush Allen, then toss him out into space like the garbage he was. And Tony and Hammer had eagerly agreed. If it hadn't been for chaos, Allen would be pushing up daisies. Wait! chaos was back? Heh, heh, you didn't think you could get rid of him **that** easily did you? Anyway, Jin went back to Second Miltia to pursue a karaoke career that Shion said would last three weeks. Miyuki was constantly filing reports against Allen, hoping to get him arrested. Unfortunately, everyone at the Federation were big time Allen fans, so how could they **possibly** arrest him? Gaignun was still busy doing Gaignun-like things, KOS-MOS suddenly took up an interest in massaging…well…not really. You would've _liked_ to think that though, wouldn't you? Nah, that's not the KOS-MOS we all know and love. Shion **did** order her, however, to find every album of Allen's and destroy it.

That evening, everyone sat in the so-called 'cafeteria' of the Elsa while Shion cooked for everyone except Allen.

"I'm telling you guys, chaos is really a menacing threat to the universe!" Jr. whispered to Tony, Hammer, and Captain Matthews.

"Can't be anymore of a menace than that backstabbing, corroded looking creature back there." Matthews jerked a thumb to the far table on the WAY OTHER SIDE of the room where a sullen Allen was forced to sit all by himself.

"No! Really!" Jr. beat his fist against the table. "I'm serious!"

"Ch. Not to call you a liar or anything Little Master, but chaos is the most passive guy you'll find on the Elsa. No one else like him," Tony said, eating his curry.

"What about me?" chaos asked, coming into the room, a gentle smile on his face. Serene music played in the background as random birds flocked to him and he welcomed them with open arms.

"Heh, the Little Master here is saying what kind of a psychopath you are," Matthews chuckled.

"Me? Jr., don't flatter me," chaos continued to smile and the U.R.T.V. frowned. Tony, Hammer, and Captain Matthews went back to eating their food and soon, all attention was off Jr. and chaos. Except…Jr. couldn't stop staring at the smiling platinum. Suddenly, a sneer curled up at chaos' lips and the birds exploded into flames, vanishing into the air like magic.

The redhead's eyes widened immensely and he screamed, "Did you see that! Did you see that! He just made those birds self-combust!"

chaos quickly pretended to be waving to the air as all eyes turned back to him.

"Bye, bye, birdies," chaos said sweetly.

"…Right," Hammer's eyes narrowed and he went back to his food.

Jr. snorted and looked back to chaos. One day…they would _all_ see.

KOS-MOS, who was helping Shion prepare food, suddenly began to hand out the rest of the plates to Ziggy, MOMO, chaos, and Jr.

"Anything for me, KOS-MOS?" Allen asked as the android walked by.

"I am sorry, Allen. There is a negative 95.555 percent chance that Shion will forgive you and make you food."

Allen suddenly smiled. "So you're saying there's a **chance!**"

"No, Allen. I am merely displaying numbers for your benefit instead of using human words to simply put…You will starve tonight." Then she walked on.

"Aw, man!" Allen cried, slumping over and pounding a fist against the table.

Ziggy glanced over at Allen from his table, MOMO next to him. "Allen," he started, "perhaps this will teach you a lesson."

"What are you talking about?" Allen whined. "I was _happy_ when I was popular!"

"Popularity is nothing Allen," Ziggy explained. "Not when you have true friends."

Allen glared at him and held his hands out. "Oh yeah? **WHERE?**"

Ziggy sighed and looked down at MOMO, who was quietly eating her food. "Allen, when you find something worth fighting for, **then** I think you'll understand what I mean."

"Coming from you, Cyborg, that's just plain stupid." And Allen went back to sulking, "Anyone can see that everything that happened was just luck. The Gnosis, the Professor going after Assistant Scott, and me becoming sexy was just simple old luck."

"_Au contraire_, Allen," chaos grinned. "There's no such thing as luck."

…That was so stupid, it's not even funny. Ending the story with the title. My hat goes off to you chaos just for the Ninja Evil Touch.

And that's that.

Can anyone BELIEVE that I finally finished this story? Well…Part one anyway. Unless I am encouraged to go on…' And ya know? I didn't even KNOW all that holy stuff about chaos until after I finished this chapter and actually beat the game. So um…to refrain myself from being sacrilegious, perhaps I shall lay off of him for a while (…curses). As for the Shion/Allen romance. Hmm...Allen WAS acting like a jerk in this story so I'll leave her mad at him for a while longer. Maybe in the next installment though, eh?

For now, I hope you guys enjoyed There's No Such Thing As Luck and I hope to be able to come back soon.

Until next time, my loyal readers, ta-ta for now.

PB13115


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